Are you one of those “Facebook whores?” Do you ever scroll through your list of “friends” and check out everyone’s newly updated pictures, when really you should be studying for an exam, or better yet, sleeping at night?
Do you get drunk and think of clever things to write on peoples’ “walls?” Here’s a good one: writing quotes from Will Ferrell in “Anchorman” like, “You pooped in the fridge and you ate a whole wedge of cheese!? I’m not even mad! That’s amazing!”
Do you “tag” your photos? “Poke” your friends?
To hate on you would be to hate on myself. We’ve stumbled upon a new digital environment – a place where boredom meets addiction, where hilarity meets the newfound art of stalking, where the term “it’s complicated” is an option to describe an unusual relationship with another user, and where underage kids feel perfectly comfortable posting incriminating photos of themselves completely blasted on a Tuesday (yes, Tuesday) night.
I’ve adopted a new rule in making somebody else my Facebook “friend” – more than half of the groups they belong to must be fake, hilarious and absurd.
I love this stuff. I could make Facebook groups all day if I wanted to, but instead of going through all the trouble, I thought I’d just list some future Facebook groups here:
Group: “I’m Hungover – Let’s Go To IHOP.” Description: “Everyone knows pancakes are awesome, and everyone knows that they make you feel better. Go to IHOP. It’s on the Metro.”
Group: “Manouche’s Philosophy Talk Is Great … GOD I’m Hungry Hurry The Hell Up You Can Put More Than Two Hotdogs On That Grill” Description: “It’s in the title. No wonder the line is always so long.”
Group: “The LaRouche Cult is Starting to Freak Me Out – Seriously, Don’t Drink The Kool-Aid.” Description: “These people worship a guy who’s a convicted felon, an anti-Semite and a preposterous human being in general – a disgrace to taste and decency!”
Group: “19-Year-Olds With BlackBerrys – What, You’re Better Than Me Now!?” Description: “You’re an e-mail slut and you look ridiculous.”
Group: “I Miss Burrito Lady, The One Next To Hot-Dog Lady” Description: “This woman could wrap a tight fattie, if you know what I’m sayin’.”
Group: “Attn. Thurston: It’s Called ‘Towling The Door'” Description: “The ‘Crime Log’ says it all.”
Group: “Whiskey And Sex Don’t Mix Well” Description: “Ummm … This is awkward.”
Who knows, these groups may show up in a few days’ time after people read this. But since Facebook just made it possible for high school kids to befriend college kids, now my 15-year-old cousin can see that I belong to a group called “68% of GW Students Have 0-4 Drinks … the Rest of Us Get Shitfaced.” Great – I must be a wonderful role model.
I guess I’m irresponsible with Facebook is because I really don’t plan on holding any political positions in the future. Then again, there’s a video on the Internet of President Bush at a wedding in Texas drunker than a freshman in an EmERG vehicle! Surely a picture of me holding a drink wouldn’t stop me from running for city council when I’m 42.
I’m going to keep Facebookin’ until I’ve graduated – I have nothing to hide.
Well, maybe not nothing.
-The writer, a sophomore majoring in journalism and music, is a Hatchet humor columnist. He has 138 Facebook friends and is looking for “whatever I can get.”