John Basedow is trying to hijack our TV generation by buying millions of dollars’ worth of cable TV advertisements. With so much circulation, one would think that he would have the common courtesy to make a new ad from time to time – just to spice it up a little bit. Instead, we see the same loser saying the same crap between every segment of “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report,” not to mention “South Park” and “24.” Sometimes I wish Kiefer Sutherland would just step out of his realm for a minute and sneak over to John Basedow’s commercials and kick his ass, right in front of that old hag with freaky muscles whom he hugs at the end each time.
“Oh, snap! John Basedow just got Bauer-ed!” we’d all laugh.
I thought we were through with that creepy, zipper vest-wearing, spandex-laced, no-talent clown years ago. I remember saying to myself, “I wish he would just go away, just for a little while, oh please …” I’m sorry, but Basedow is not a fitness celebrity. Chuck Norris is a real fitness celebrity, and he could definitely take John Basedow any day. He’d take him out with a fierce karate chop right to his six-pack abs, break his neck and then light his whole house on fire.
One day, John wasn’t on TV anymore. His commercials just stopped running. I no longer had to stare at his glistening, rock-hard man boobs every 15 minutes. Did he run out of money? Did the FCC pull him off the air for indecency? Rumors started to circulate around the Internet, and soon everyone had heard the terrible (wonderful?) rumor: John Basedow had died in the tragic tsunami natural disaster last year.
“No, dude, seriously. Like, I looked it up and everything. I google-ed it. He f***ing died.” Actually, it turns out he didn’t die.
A few months went by. Geico came out with some really sweet commercials (“It’s so easy, a caveman could do it!” “What!?” “Sorry … I didn’t know you were there!”) and TV was enjoyable again.
Then, all of a sudden … there he was again! That sneaky smug bastard! This time he was armed with frosted hair (wtf!?) and a new techno-trance theme song that gets stuck in your head every time you hear it.
UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ …. Here’s John Basedow … *boop boop beep boop beep boop* … Comin’ to show you how … *boop boop beep boop boop* … to reach your potential … *boop beep boop* … and turn your … whole life around! It’s fitness made simple! *boop boop beep boop beep boop* … made for real people! … *boop boop beep boop beep boop…*
ENOUGH! Sorry, you’re going to have that stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Seriously – my bad.
Here’s a funny scene; my fat butt sprawled out on my sofa, indulging in Wingos and beer, watching some pencil-necked, greasy muscle head talk to me about feeling better about my “body and mind” by paying $29.95 (plus shipping) for his video.
In high school, I was a little chunky, I’ll admit. My friends would always make fun of me when they would overhear my own mother talking about me behind my back, “Oh, well Brendan’s not as skinny as his other friends.” So, as a joke, they all pitched in and bought me my very own John Basedow DVD for my 18th birthday: Fitness Made Simple’s AM/PM Workout.
The video basically consisted of John Basedow doing a series of crunches, followed by a series of push-ups, followed by him spinning around in circles with a broom handle propped up over his shoulders as if he were in some sort of awful crucifixion position while playing the lead role in a twisted workout version of “Jesus Christ Superstar” gone horribly, horribly wrong. A real calorie-burner, I’m sure.
Given how long he’s been on television, John Basedow’s videos may just be the most successful product to ever be sold under the “As Seen on TV!” logo. I find this to be particularly amusing, since they’re also the ones responsible for selling The Egg Wave, The Perfect Pancake, The Bacon Magic Wave, The Butter Dispenser, The Chocolate Fondue Fountain, The Cotton Candy Maker Kit, The Hot Dog Rotisserie Cooker, Meatball Magic and The Donut Wizard – all products that help you achieve those nice love handles and lovely bitch tits that only John Basedow can rid you of. It’s all just one vicious cycle! Damn you, John Basedow, and your clever marketing tactics!
Next time you see John Basedow, which will most likely be the next time you watch TV, call the toll-free number (better yet, call them now at 1-800-283-4230) and scream into the phone. Unless you happen to really like sleeveless zipper vests, in which case you may be better off buying a Fitness Made Simple video, a scented candle and a box of tissues.
-The writer, a sophomore majoring in journalism and music, is a Hatchet humor columnist, and may secretly be in love with John Basedow.