Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
Useless Po’Po’ officers are on the lookout for three women involved in separate public masturbation incidents that took place in Foggy Bottom last weekend. The most recent incident, which occurred at the International House, prompted UPD to post Public Safety Advisory notices in all residence halls.
On March 10, an unknown woman approached a first floor International House window, knocked, waited for someone to approach the window and began to masturbate. The previous incidents happened in the same manner but involved different suspects.
“I was studying my C++ and Java programming very hard,” sophomore Moe Nicky Spanka said. “I heard this buzzing sound near the window and I thought my Pentium Xenon processor had overheated on my Starcraft server.”
Spanka said other members of “Nerds and the Computer who Love Them” living and learning community have been targeted. In each case a thin, white female, approximately 20 years old lifted her skirt or pulled down her pants and began masturbating. Everyone interviewed said that a black stocking covered her face. In one instance, she gave herself The Punisher.
“She was using a black vibrator with realistic-looking pubic hair,” he said. “I had never seen a girl work it like that and I have watched a lot of porn online.”
Word of GW being the hot spot for female exhibitionism is spreading to prospective freshmen across the country through online blogs and acquaintances at the University. Ironically, after the string of attacks, straight male students are accepting offers of admission at an astonishing rate, much to the satisfaction of GW’s female community.
Admissions officials said that more women than men typically accept offers of admission, and of the men who do accept, half are homosexuals.
A UPD investigation into the matter has come to a complete halt after potential sources refused to talk about their experience, saying they did not want this phenomenon to stop.
“I was in shock and hard as a rock too,” sophomore Schenley Hall resident Dick Wacka said. “After doing that for a while she whipped out the pinky for the stinky, if you know what I mean, it was the shocker.”
All of the incidents have occurred around dusk. Some residents are complaining that they are not receiving equal viewing opportunities. One first floor window in Crawford Hall has a sign on display featuring a bulls eye and the slogan “Pop it here!”