Spoof Issue: Whining gets a whole lot easier

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Want to complain about GW but didn’t learn much about writing in your freshman English class? Follow these steps and fill out the form letter below:

1. Pick something that isn’t perfect or could be made more luxurious in your college experience, preferably something arbitrary and unimportant
2. Write it in all the blanks below
3. Cut out and drop off at Rice Hall, 2121 Eye St. NW, 8th floor, or drop off at The GW Shocker office, attn: Carping to the Editor

Dear President Trachtenbugga:

I am writing to tell you how appalled I am at the pathetic quality of _______ at GW. I don’t know what you’re spending our money on, but I pay $40,000 a year to go here (is it 40? My parents get the bill, so I don’t really know, but whatever, it’s like, crazy high), and there’s no way I should be paying that and having to put up with substandard _______ . That is so community college.

I even went to visit my friend at Georgetown last weekend, and they have like way better _______. No wonder they’re ranked so much higher than us. Sometimes I look at the quality of GW’s _______ and think we’re in Somalia, or Sudan, or wherever all those people are suffering and stuff. Except those people don’t pay $40,000 a year. I do. Forty grand! And for what? So you can run this school like it’s some kind of corporation.

I trust that after receiving this you will work to rectify the disastrous quality of GW’s ______. For if I am not appeased, my next call is to daddy. And I don’t have to tell you what he can do to you.

Sincerely,
(Sign your name here)

Are you a Foggy Bottom community
member? We also have a letter for you.

Dear Slippery Steve,

I had hoped you would be dead by now, what with all the trouble we went through with the dioxin in your lunch (damn Yuschenko, taking the wrong plate), but it seems you are still alive and destroying what little we have left in Foggy Bottom. Your latest intrusion, putting GW trash cans on street corners to “reduce student litter in the community,” is a thinly veiled attempt to further expand your corporation, a.k.a. GW.
Don’t give me your “we just want to be a better, cleaner neighbor” crap. You’re like a cat marking your territory. Today it’s a trash can in front of my townhouse. Tommorrow it’s a 900-bed dorm built over my head. We know your game, rogue, and we will not stand for it. See you in court.

Sincerely,
(Have your nurse sign your name here)

PS – Will you be driving your regular car home this evening?

President Trachtenbugga, too, uses form letters that his secretaries send out to blow off students and community members so he does not have to be dismissive with them himself. The Shocker secretly obtained a copy of the letter from his office.

Dear ________ ,

I read with great interest your little kibitz on _______ . It reminded me of a girl I once knew who wore a pink shirt, and I went with her to this wonderful little art gallery near Columbia, and afterward we ate Chinese food.

[Insert 10-15 pages of rambling from the “SJT time-killing stories” file]

Anyway, the point of the story is that _______ is a lot like the Starship Enterprise. It roams the universe looking for the Klingons, but does it ever really come home? You must ask yourself that question before writing me to lament GW’s _______. Nonetheless, I will refer your remarks to one of my deans, who will refer them to someone else, and so on. And if this should somehow be referred back to me again, I will appoint a task force to put together a task force on it. Toodaloo.

Yours truly,

Stephen J. Trachtenbugga
University President

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