Spoof Issue: Univ. creates ‘homeless’ LLC

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

The University has solved the campus housing shortage – get students to live on the streets.

The Community Lying and Leaching Center has introduced a homeless living and learning community this semester to free up more beds on campus and provide students with the exhilarating experience of occupying local streets and sidewalks, the business know-how of begging for loose change, and the “real-world” training gained urinating in dark corners and digging through trash for meals.

Housing officials said they persuaded 50 students to join the Haven’t Got No House Living and Learning Community and assigned each student to live on or near campus with a local homeless person for a semester. Halfway through the program, officials and students alike have deemed it a success.

“I have always encouraged GW students to use the city as their classroom,” University President Stubbly J. Toadyman. “This is the best idea GW has had yet.”

Toadyman emphasized how the program soothes the financial woes of some students who are reluctant to remain on campus because of the 5 percent increasing in housing costs for next year. Students wishing to live in cardboard boxes will pay a lowered rate of $7,000 a year, as opposed to $10,000 they would be paying to live in other campus housing.

As a part of the program, the University also confiscates all participants’ Colonial Cash and donates the money to the University’s endowment. Students are instead encouraged to beg for food or pick though what Toadyman called a “smorgasbord of dumpsters.”

The program, which has been praised by the University, has also become popular among students, specifically many weight-conscious sorority girls. One Sexually Devious Tramps sister said she has lost 10 pounds since the beginning of the semester and sees this program as the new fad diet for GW.

“If all aspiring STD girls join this community, we won’t even have to worry about our circle the fat ritual, and we can turn to other, more psychologically harmful ways to haze our wonderful friends,” said Barfsit Allup, a junior in STD.

She added that the “vintage” clothes she purchased at American Eagle fit surprisingly well in with the homeless crowd and made her quite the star around the garbage can fire.

Sophomore Thomas Humper, who joined the community, was quickly nicknamed “Thumper” by his homeless mentor Rusty and has been learning valuable lessons since.

“Everyday we try to scrounge up enough change to buy a bottle of SoCo,” Humper said. “He taught me that faking mental illness can get about 10 extra bucks a day from the rich folks. Boy has this enriched my GW experience.”

Rusty agreed that the partnership has been beneficial for everyone.

“That boy don’t even smoke, so all the cigs he brings in go to me,” Rusty said. “And damn, that boy sure does make some good hobo stew.”

Thanks to its popularity, the University will plan to offer the new living and learning community indefinitely.

“It makes sense,” Toadyman said. “I mean, most students would rather live on the streets of D.C. with a homeless guy instead of being forced to live on the Vern.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.