Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

The days of one orifice at a time are behind us. It is time to move into the new age of double orifice penetration. In the age of ADD children used to hundreds of TV channels and the Internet’s instant gratification, one orifice just isn’t enough to capture the attention of today’s youth. During my personal research, I have experimented with all aspects of the shocker, including its various derivatives such as the punisher (a slight variation that occurs when the male decides to pursue the “one in the goo and two in the poo” route). I have discovered that when it’s time to get down, nothing will accomplish the double stuff quite like “two in the hair pie, one in the brown eye.”

While college males throughout history have lusted at the prospect of going downtown to browntown, recent advances in women’s equality and increased sensitivity among men has led to a great compromise that encompasses the vaginal penetration needs of the female while providing for the anal activity desired by all men. Vaginal penetration has become clich?, and anal sex has lost most of its excitement. The shocker is our only solution to this conundrum of anal proportions.

The versatility of “two in the skunk, one in the funk” shines through when it is reversed to become “one for the cooty but two in the booty.” This is known more formally as “the punisher” and provides optimal anal expansion while keeping some stimulation firmly on the G-spot where it belongs.

Of course, there are detractors from the “two in the pocket one in the chocolate” shocker methodology. Some argue that a vigorous night of “two in the kitty, one in the shitty” causes trouble walking the next day. However, the benefits of reaching both orifices simultaneously should be enough to alleviate any fears.

College women today are extremely busy pursuing classes, internships and other activities. When its time for some love, women need the excitement of double penetration without having to take the time and go through the embarrassment of finding two guys.

So I say to all GW males, please, for the sake of bored and busy women everywhere, next time you are anywhere near a muff (shaven or not), make sure to stick two in the pumper. But most importantly, remember one for the dumper.

-The writer, the president of Hardass University, is a leading researcher in anal stimulation techniques.

Proper Shocker Methodology

For those of you wanting to make sure that you do the Shocker properly, please follow these simple steps:

1. Find a hot date
2. Get her in bed
3. Go downstairs
4. Insert two fingers in the meat (index and middle finger)
5. Place one finger in her seat (the pinky finger)
6. ENJOY!
7. Rinse and repeat