Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
AISLE 1: Joint Election Committee (JEC)
Played a crucial role in the 2000 election, which did not produce a winner for six weeks. Has since moved on to destroying other, much much more meaningless elections. Recently pulled off seemingly impossible feat of making GW’s Student Association more worthless.
AISLE 2: GW’s Generation Dean
Especially useful for lost causes. Will put up a spirited, futile fight for things doomed to fail. Good for projects you want worked on for long after they’ve already collapsed.
AISLE 3: Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance
An easy means of sucking the fun out of any room in the house. Will take away reason and add vitriol to virtually any discussion. Not a big fan of the student newspaper.
AISLE 4: Student Association
A proven way to waste $1 for every credit hour you take in college. This selection of tools will simultaneously waste your time and money while keeping you amused by trivial bickering.
AISLE 5: Colonial Cabinet
Good for introducing freshmen to your University with a pack of overly cheery robots who will answer their questions about real life at your school with laser light shows.
AISLE 6: Center for Alcohol and other Drug Education
This tool has effectively eliminated alcohol and drug use on campus with posters advertising the fictitious statistic that most students have between zero and negative three drinks on a typical Friday night.
AISLE 7: Student Judicial Services
An effective tool in destroying the U.S. Constitution and stripping students of their most basic human rights. This tool will actually lead students to prefer MPD.
AISLE 8: Marvin Center Governing Board
This tool effectively manages student life in a building that severely lacks it.
AISLE 9: Colonial Army
Want to make cheering for your school’s team an exclusive club? This tool will make non-tools feel excluded for not decorating themselves in yellow foam.
AISLE 10: Study Abroad Office
The only tool in history ever to charge students $100,000 for a one-room shack in Communist China that costs GW roughly 2.5 dollars per year.