Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

University President Stubbly J. Troll won a legal battle this week to remove the feeding tube that has kept longtime Foggy Bottom resident and advocate Dearthy Maneater alive for years.

Maneater is a member of the Almost Nonexistent Community, a local zoning group that opposes everything, even itself. She has been medically brain-dead since the Reagan administration and has been kept alive through artificial means ever since.

Maneater’s feeding tube is scheduled for removal at 1 p.m. Saturday. The move has further widened the schism between the University and community members.

“This old ho has been giving me problems since day one, when she wouldn’t let me give her the shocker,” Troll said. “With her gone, I’m free to demolish those last two blocks and build a second Hippo-shaped science building with two Starbucks inside.”

Troll added that with Maneater out of the way, he will be free to pursue his dream of building a go-kart track around Foggy Bottom. He is also trying to buy the souls of all residents.

Maneater has been in a coma since March 1, when she tried unsuccessfully to knock down the Ivory Tower with her cane. A week later, an unknown man snuck into her hospital room and shut off her respirator. Doctors arrived several minutes later to find a cowboy hat and bowtie as the only clues to the man’s identity; they also reported that the room smelled “really, really bad – like someone was walking around with wet cardboards in their mouth.”

Maneater’s great-great-grandson, her oldest living relative, has labeled Troll a “murderer.”

“Mama has come to be a symbol to this area. She represents the two-dozen community members who voted for her in the ANC election, and we can’t let Troll take that away,” he said.

Likeable Doofus, GW’s prepubescent director of pretending to listen to the community, was born at about the time Maneater became incapacitated 17 years ago. He said he supports the move, because that’s what his boss told him to do.

“Anyone who’s been to an ANC meeting knows Maneater must be brain-dead,” Doofus said. “Let’s let her go out peacefully, so she can retain some dignity. Actually … I think it may be too late for that.”

Maneater is known for taunting Doofus at ANC meetings about his youth.

“I was breast-feeding kids in my brunswick before you were even born,” Maneater reportedly told Doofus in February. A brunswick is a three-quarter length jacket that was worn by women with their petticoats during colonial times. Maneater was born in 1789.

Maneater’s residence in Foggy Bottom actually predates the development of the area, which began around 1800. Before then, it was a swampy, foggy area – Maneater emerged only once a week to eat young college-aged students.

Maneater has compared herself to an alligator living in the wetlands and said she always resented settlers from destroying her natural habitat.

In addition to recent development efforts in Foggy Bottom such as GW’s construction of dorms, she also opposed the paving of roads in the area, desegregation, the construction of the Metro and the development of the polio vaccine.