Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
While celebrating in the middle of Kogan Plaza on that fateful night last October, a freshman tool-bag with a bright orange shirt and popped collar had an epiphany.
“My life is complete!” said the unidentified student, whose first Red Sox experience happened to be the Series’ clincher, which he watched on Fox. “My grandfather always talked about the Sox winning the World Series. Now I have something to talk to him about. I mean, I never liked baseball until tonight.”
Sounding a bit like president, er, Sen. John Kerry, he rattled off his favorite players, including Donny Ortiz and Curt Stillings. Then he broke into sobs, recalling all the people who died before ever seeing the Old Towne Team win the big one.
When asked what got interest into baseball, the student looked around and said: “Well, everybody else is doing it. I figured I’d join in on the general D-baggery.”
Now, bandwagon Red Sox fans will be forced to change their tune. In an unprecedented instance, a group of people at GW will have nothing to bitch about. Or so the community thought.
It appears as if even the first Red Sox championship in 86 years is not enough to squelch the whiniest campus East of the Mississippi.
“I just can’t do it,” said Matty McDougal, a Newton, Mass. native. “I can’t be happy. I have arthritis; I just got an ‘F’ on my Econ. Test and I couldn’t get any blow for the weekend.”
“This is wicked awful man,” said John O’Sullivanberg, a Lynn, Mass. native. “I spent my whole time at GW hating life because of what the Red Sox have done to me. Now, I’m feeling great and I’ll I want to do is punch somebody. I think I’ll just start yelling ‘Yankees suck’ during class. That seems to solve everything.”
Living up the storied reputation of GW students, Red Sox fans are calling their daddies in record numbers to bitch about the lack of quality food options and housing on campus. It’s as if a moment of joy triggered the rage center in Sox fans’ brains.
“I asked my daughter: ‘what the hell’s the matter with you?,'” said one parent. “Our team just won the World Series and she can’t find any Vegan restaurants that serve Perrier.”
Yankee fans were unsympathetic to the Bostonians’ problem. They were too busy asserting that everything in their city top notch.
“Yeah, I know the Sox are the best team this year,” said Bobby Mantle, a Scarsdale, N.Y. native. “But in New York, we have the best pizza. The best Chinese food. The best people. The best cab drivers. The best rats. The best hookers. The best everything!”
When asked what that had to do with anything, Mantle just smiled.
“Does anything else matter but New York? I doubt it. Life doesn’t exist any other place. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk to my friends and say ‘mad’ a lot.”
