Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
GW’s Male Empowerment Mandate for Better Empathy and Rights (MEMBER) brought a controversial new play to campus. The Penis Monologues was part of a fundraiser to promote Y-chromosome organizations nationwide.
“After The Vagina Monologues, we realized that men were being repressed,” said senior MEMBER President Rodney Weiner. “Penises have feelings too. Penis is not a dirty word!”
The play, which is based on the premise of Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues, features speeches written from the perspective of penises of various ages and races. Monologues explore various topics that were previously taboo to men, such as masturbation and sexual pleasure.
“The play is really revolutionary,” said freshman MEMBER member Johnson Schlong. “I mean, before this, guys were ashamed to even talk about masturbation. Now we are liberated enough to discuss, uh, firing the pink torpedo, without any shame or embarrassment.”
Schlong performed a monologue entitled “My Penis is Angry,” which featured a 15-minute rant about the ways that penises have been repressed throughout history.
“Women have it so easy. The clitoris is the only human organ that is solely intended for pleasure. What have we men dealt with for all of our lives? The shame and embarrassment of having an unruly appendage. Men, we must take pride in our bodies, and learn to love ourselves, as hard as it may be,” said Schlong.
Another monologue, performed by junior Dick Stiffy, presented a revealing and intimate look at self-discovery.
“I was raised in a religious family, and I knew the rules: touch yourself too much and you’ll go blind. Little did I know, this was just another way for women to prevent men from discovering their bodies and experiencing pleasure freely and without shame.”
After the performance, members of MEMBER attempted to improve penis self-esteem with an audience question-and-answer session.
Revolutionary attendees raised such as important questions as, “What have you named your penis?” and “If your penis could talk what would it say?”
“My penis would say it just wants to get laid,” responded one audience member, who reported that his penis was named Mr. Winky. Another audience member declared that his penis was named “Homo erectus, because I’m an anthropology major.” The third audience member declined to comment.
“Yeah, so the turnout was a little low,” said Weiner. “It’s just because men have been oppressed by women for so long that they’re afraid of attending such a controversial performance. Once men become unafraid to be who they are, they will realize the healing value in this show.”