Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
Paris Hilton is slated to play Linda Lovelace in a remake of “Deep Throat,” drawing on what producer Jerry Bruckheimer calls “her fantastic abilities as both a thespian and a whore.” The 1972 film tells the touching tale of a woman whose clitoris is located in the back of her throat, which means that she must orally pleasure others in order to satisfy herself. As one of the first hardcore pornographic films to enter the mainstream, “Deep Throat” made it possible for people like Ms. Hilton to cash in on her absence of a gag reflex.
When asked about her motivation, the newest porn paramour replied, “Well, I was watching an E! True Hollywood Story about myself, and someone said that I was famous for being famous. I just didn’t think that was fair. So I thought about what else I could become famous for. Acting went out the window right away, because the Botox makes it hard for me to emote, and shit, I can’t read or write. But really I’m just a girl with a dream.”
Ms. Hilton is actually slated for a number of diverse projects this year, most notably a remake of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. Tentatively titled “Gatsby 2005: Fuck You, Literate People,” the remake will star Ms. Hilton as Daisy Buchanan, a selfish socialite blinded by money and prestige. Ms. Hilton is lobbying producer Lance Bass to also let her play the character as an actual prostitute.
You may remember Bass as the “Christian-one” in the *NSync, as opposed to “the-creepy-child-molester-looking-one,” the “already-has-a-coke-habit-one,” and the “guy-who-I’m-sure-used-to-work-at-my-local-Orange-Julius-one.” While there’s no official word on who will play Jay Gatsby, rumor is swirling around Keanu Reeves. Ms. Hilton said, “While I’m sure (director) Michael (Bay) will make the right decision, I think Keanu would be an excellent choice. Combined with me, he would provide a veritable extended middle finger to good taste. And yes, my handler just told me to say ‘veritable.’ I have no idea what it means. Want a blowjob?”
When reached for comment, Mr. Fitzgerald’s corpse declined to say anything because it couldn’t stop spinning.
Of course every movie needs its music, and although most of the soundtrack and score will be composed by Scott Stapp and his new band, the Pigfuckers, Ms. Hilton will contribute a cover of Blondie’s “Heart of Glass.”
“Debbie Harry’s a real hero of mine,” she said. “I mean, I’ve never actually heard any of her music, but I know she did a lot of blow in the ’70s. And that’s hot.”
