Spoof Issue: Mini Shockers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Students may sue after 4-RIDE Long Island trip

Two GW sophomores have filed complaints against the 4-RIDE service after they were driven from D.C. to a Long Island mall. The driver left them at the corner instead of right at the door to a mall.

The two females, Ritz Bitch and Busty Bucks, are threatening to sue the University if it fails to take immediate action against the driver of the van.

“I can’t believe he left us standing there, just like that. Who would abandon two gorgeous girls like us in such a dangerous area?” Bust said.

The Dakota residents called 4-RIDE to pick them up in front of their hall at 7 p.m. and asked to be dropped off on New York Avenue.

“I told the girls that New York Avenue is like 10 minutes outside of where I am supposed to go,” driver Bubba Rolls said. “But they begged, and one’s shirt was showing a little sumpin’ sumpin’, so I decided to be a nice guy, right?”

Rolls drove the girls to the corner of New York Avenue and 15th Street. When he stopped, the two threw a fit and demanded to be driven to the New York Avenue in their native Long Island. Rolls finally gave in to their demands, driving six hours to drop the women off near their favorite mall.

The women said they were upset because they couldn’t walk a half-block in their heels.

“I am not used to this kind of bad service,” Bitch said. “I don’t care that they were only letting limos in front of the club. He should have bought one then. You know, we pay a lot of money for this school.”

-Nate Dogg

Republicans push to rename GW Ronald Reagan University

The GW College Republicans are engaged in a battle to rename the school after the recently deceased President Reagan.

The campaign calling for a Ronald Reagan University began in earnest this semester, with CRs petitioning University officials for the name change.

“It’s about time that this school was named after a true American hero and patriot and hater of terrorism,” said Killthe Poor, head of the CRs. “George Washington was actually fighting against the British, and that makes him a terrorist.”

During a 15-minute interview, Poor said the new RRU should include a mausoleum placed in Kogan Plaza to allow solemn mourners to see Reagan’s mummified body under a glass encasement. He also referred to the September 11 terrorist attacks, President Bush and freedom 173 times.

Not to be outdone, the College Democrats have countered with their own campaign to name GW the Clinton-Bono-Sharpton-Streisand-Dean Friendship Education Center.

“What GW needs is a name that captures the true heroes of our time: celebrities who mettle in politics and support the great Democratic mission,” said Softie McFlower, CD chief.

-Jezuz Freak

Fine Arts adds doodling class

Assistant painting professor Granola Hippydude said the fine arts department will be adding a class entitled “Introduction to Doodling” for the fall 2005 semester.

The class, which will meet twice a week for two and a half hours, will include in its curriculum popular doodling subjects such as the ying-yang, unicorn, smiley face and the ever popular “student’s name in big block letters.”

Students will only be able to use college-ruled lined paper for their doodling. Hippydude said the department will have guest lecturers come in to talk about something very dry and non-doodling-related for the duration of the class period.

Lectures already confirmed for next semester include, “How I Lost My Sock Behind the Dryer and Then Found it Again,” “Data Structures and Algorithm Analysis in C++,” and “Fiscal Policy Meets Aggregate Supply and Demand.”

Students’ doodles will be critiqued by the professor at the end of the lecture based on quantity, simplicity and the student’s ability to keep his or her doodles outside the margins.

-Golden Girl

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.