Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
Following in the footsteps of his bigger, higher profile teammates, freshman standout Pat Royce will leave school early for the NBA. According to the NBA’s office in New York, the super-sensational, super-scoring guard will take his high-flying game to the pros next season.
Right now, veteran scouts project him to drop no lower than third overall. In the annual draft lottery, the Knicks won the slot and are expressing interest. The Spurs, Heat and Suns are all rumored to be thinking about trading up to select Royce.
“I really don’t know what to say,” coach Cahl Snobbs said. “I would love to make comments on the young guy’s game, but its just indescribable.”
Fellow NBA hopeful Hops Killed-a-Whale-Once was equally astounded.
“Yeah, um, I really can’t say anything about his play,” he said of Royce. “He’s got some, uh, nice hair?”
Mikey Ball also weighed in on the subject. The six-foot-eight-inch forward was on the receiving end of more than a few pretty passes from the lightning-quick Royce.
“Roycie?” Ball said. “Roycie has quite a future in the pros. Without him, me and Hops would be nowhere.”
Royce hopes to bring the same enthusiasm to the NBA that he brought to Foggy Bottom, encouraging all fans to stand when he makes an appearance on the court. While he may not have gotten that coveted spot on the Atlantic 10 First Team, he feels that he is more than ready to make the jump.
“I am just ready, you know what I mean?” Royce said while seated in his new Ferrari that he parked next to Gelman Library on H Street. “Coach Snobbs showed me the ropes and I know that I can get my act together and get myself a ring.” When asked about the rings he already has in his possession, he showed off a blue-raspberry Ring Pop and a red plastic decoder ring he dug out of a box of Crunch ‘N Munch.
Then, he revealed the bling, a striking two-inch thick gold rope chain with a Flavor-Flav sized platinum and diamond ‘P’ pendant dangling down past his belt. It is still unclear whether the California native has hired anybody to represent him. When asked if he has retained an agent, he tossed a solid gold toothpick at a reporter.
“Yeah right,” he said, diamond tooth gleaming. “I wouldn’t do something that stupid.”
Speaking from an undisclosed location, former GW star SirVal SirVal was a bit confused at Royce’s decision.
“Pat who?” Brown said. “Nope, I don’t know him. Well listen, my agent said he can get me a deal in the league soon so I’ll see him there.”
Athletic director Crack McCants didn’t really know what to say about the issue. World famous GW alum, Celtics coach, and well-known talent evaluator Red Auerbach approved the move.
“Red Auerbach told him it was a good move so I really can’t say anything else,” McCants said. “Cigar anyone?”
