Spoof Issue: I’m on Adderall RIGHT NOW

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Maybe I could just get a prescription. It would be easy enough. Just go into the doctor’s office and start fiddling around with his cotton swabs and children’s books. “What? What did you say doc? Ha! Got your nose! Oh I’m sorry, I was distracted by your stethoscope.” Genius.

I gotta say, this whole middleman thing is really starting to cramp my style. I mean, that lazy-eyed kid from Thurston is pretty accessible, but I think the Gelman custodial worker is on to me.

I have to pee.

Okay, now she’s definitely on to me. I’ve seen her twice in the 4th floor bathroom, and now she followed me up to the 5th floor. Maybe she wants some.

I only have a quarter of a pill left. Snort or chew? Snort or chew? If I chew it, some may get caught in the fillings of my teeth. But if I snort it, I could – oh, wait, there’s my dude!

Man, he’s busy tonight – said he could only give me one more. Friggin business students. He just knows that some bitch from the 4th floor thinks Adderall costs as much as blow. I wonder if he gets sick of pacing down the Gelman hallways…

How can my water bottle be empty? I just filled it up. Water is so good.

So on my walk to the drinking fountain, I totally figured this Chem shit out. If I just arrange the slides in order from subjective to objective information, my mind will instinctively create a qualifying funnel through which I may hinge facts on the precise concepts to which they are related, heretofore, honing the human desire to apprehend knowledge in a meaningful way. It’s like, the chemistry of my mind is cosmically aligned with my chemistry test. See, you totally don’t have to go to class.

But I tell you, it’s good thing I got that animated girl to take my Respondex. She said she’s been studying for two weeks straight. She rephrased the entire textbook into her own words and typed it up with hyperlinks to the blackboard pages with relevant class notes. Way to skew the curve bitch!

Then again, maybe I could do that. I just have to concentrate very hard. And type very small. Now who’s wreckin’ the curve?!

OW! My knee just twitched and I banged it up against the desk really loud. That’s it. The whole room knows I’m on Adderall. They all know. I have to be quieter. And less jumpy.

I need some gum. Agggh. Oh yeah, gum! Gum gum gum! Chew chew chew! Chomp chomp chomp! Chem! Chem! Chem! Martin! Martin! Martin! Lab is fun! Fun is lab! The kid sitting next to me smells like onions!

Oh my god. It’s 5:30 a.m. That’s it. I’m licking the baggie.

This room is filthy! I wonder if there’s a vacuum in that closet. No, that would be too loud. Maybe I could go home and vacuum … But wait, that wouldn’t clean up the library. Shit! Um. Oh! I know, I could pour water on the desk and wipe it up with my bookbag. Canvas is pretty absorbent.

FUCK! I’m out of water again. And I have to pee too. What should I do first? Maybe I could do both. No. Then the custodian would be on to me for sure.

These pages won’t turn fast enough! There’s not enough time to learn!

Wow. How long have I been clenching my jaw? That’s it. I’m going home to vacuum.

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