Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

When freshman James Begley came to GW, he was happy to have a double room all to himself. But things took a drastic turn for the worst after winter break.

“I just got back to find some hairy naked kid doing some sort of exercise in my room,” said Begley, who called the police after he thought an assailant had broken into his room.

But after the authorities left, Begley learned that the naked 18-year-old was in fact Steni Roustavi, a student from Eastern Europe who came to study at GW. Roustavi was actually exercising au natural, as is done in his native land, to exercise tapes made by Croatian fitness celebrity Boris Buzhov.

“It’s just strange having him around,” Begley said. “There have been a lot of strange smells over the past couple of months and whenever I ask my friends to come over they don’t want to.”

One of the freshman’s chief complaints came from an incident two weeks ago in which he awoke in the middle of the night to find his roommate standing over him, staring at him. Begley was also bothered when Roustavi, who residents say is prone to severe fits of belligerence, produced a Russian-made pistol to deal with the room’s cockroach problems.

“The worst was when he bathed in beet juice for two days in our bathtub,” Begley said. “Now I just take showers in my friend’s room.”

“I had Chuma last month and I soak in the beet juice and goat milk to help it heal. It make me feel good,” said Roustavi, whose garbled accent makes it almost impossible to identify his nation of origin. He later explained that Chuma is the only remaining form of the plague.

Roustavi said despite noticeable tension between him and his roommate, he enjoys the company of his American counterpart.

“I like James very much. I would like to drink Kvass with him and make a wrestle with him too,” he said, adding that the wrestling would be done in the Turkmenistani style, in the nude.

But Begley is not the only one put off by some of Roustavi’s colorful ethnic traits.

“He just comes into my room one day and took off his pants,” freshman Prudie McPrude said. “Apparently in Roustavi’s country women must perform sexual acts on men on command, and I’m all about different culture, but for someone who had never seen a penis before, it was quite startling.”

Others have also picked up on Roustavi’s chauvinistic attitudes, and he himself seems proud of them.

“Woman is like tractor,” he joked. “She only good in field, and sometimes she has gas.”

But Roustavi’s treatment of women is no joke. For his first semester, he actually lived in another residence hall, but was relocated for sniffing several girls’ hair while they were asleep.

“Sometimes there is friction when the cultural traditions of someone from a foreign land come into conflict with other customs,” said one of the Crappy Living and Losing Cash’s useless employees who declined to give her name, as always. “But Steni just went too far.”

Begley said he is hoping that a similar sexual harassment incident will get Roustavi ejected from his room, but until then he will have to put up with the crates of picked halibut salad in his room and the smell of mustard soap in his shower.

“I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life,” he said. “And when I was 10 my scoutmaster sexually abused me.”