Spoof Issue: Coggins’ offers even more racist sandwiches

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

The Chicano, The Jew and The Oriental are in a sandwich shop. No, it’s not the start of a racist joke. They’re the names of three new racist sandwiches at Coggins’, which is seeking to capitalize on the success of its popular salami sandwich “The Guido.” Customers can expect to see the new line of sandwiches this June.

“We decided to celebrate the diversity of D.C. by offering sandwiches that are offensive to all races,” said Jonny Sailboat, a company vice president.

The Chicano, Coggins’ largest sandwich, which will be able to feed a vanload of illegal immigrants, features beans, peppers and lots of other bowel-inducing ingredients. It will replace the Chipotle Chicken.

The Oriental will have spicy chicken and mandarin oranges with soy sauce. It will compel diners to study for 10 hours in the library after consuming it.

The Jew will be a sandwich featuring some type of fish that probably didn’t come out of the ocean, looks like a Gefilte fish and tastes like jelly.

Coggins’ plans on unveiling a new marketing blitz for The Chicano, which the company boasts can feed “a whole truck full” of hungry mouths.

The sandwiches were met by criticism from numerous groups including the ACLU, JDL, NAACP, IDF, NORML, NAMBLA and LULAC.

University counsel Lynda Stich said she is handling a “load of complaints” from students who are rich and don’t have real problems to complain about.

If pressure from students isn’t enough, Coggins’ is also taking heat from sandwich chain Potbelly. Lawyers from Potbelly say that the Coggins’ sandwiches are nothing more than rip offs of its own The Mexican, The Chinaman and The Israeli.

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