Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
After depleting the Army, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard and even shopping mall security troops, President Bush last week called up GW’s entire University Police Department to fight in the war in Iraq. The 100-member battalion of security guards will attempt to make up for the U.S. Army’s recruiting failures and replace troops from coalition countries that have recently pulled out of the region.
“The GW police are people of courage. They love freedom, and sunshine,” President George W. Bush said in a press conference following the announcement. “Plus, Dick Cheney said they’ve got some hot little white minivans. I like vans.”
After receiving the call to duty, UPD moved with their trademark speed, putting the Pentagon on hold for 20 minutes before transferring the call to Metropolitan Police. When government officials called back, however, UPD Chief Doforus Stubbord quickly summoned her squad into action.
In just their first week on the ground, the rent-a-troops took decisive action in the war on terror, installing a blue-light emergency phone system throughout the Sunni triangle so that any sign of violence could be immediately reported to the UPD command center in Baghdad. Officials said the blue-light system received 985 frantic pleas for help in its first day of operation, though some did not go through because Iraq does not have electricity.
“Just as the blue lights instill a sense of safety in Foggy Bottom, they also provide a needed sense of security and freedom in Iraq,” Stubbord said. “After years of chaos, the Iraqi people can sleep easy now knowing UPD is just a blue light away.”
UPD also brought its popular 4-RIDE shuttle service overseas, transporting coalition troops to battle sites and shuttling prisoners back and forth between different government torturers. The 4-RIDE service has not only been convenient, Pentagon officials said, but it has also confused Iraqi insurgents.
“The terrorists are constantly trying to set up road bombs, and with 4-RIDE, it’s much more difficult to do that,” a Pentagon spokesman said. “In the past, the 0600 Army shuttle would drive by a checkpoint at exactly 0600 every day, making attacks easy to plan. But the 0600 4-RIDE van never comes at 0600. It could come at 0620, it could come at 0700, you just never know how late it’s going to be. And if the insurgents call UPD to find out, they just get put on hold. It’s a tremendous strategic advantage for us.”
But just like at GW, the UPD officers in Iraq are not just shuttle drivers and phone operators. Now the third largest coalition force behind the U.S. and British militaries (Luxembourg is a close fourth on the list, contributing two dozen crossing guards to Operation Iraqi Happy Time), UPD has been actively seeking out evildoers during its first week on the ground.
Riding on official-looking bicycles and armed with their usual night sticks and walkie-talkies, UPD officers spent the last few days going door to door in Fallujah in search of marijuana-like odors and drug paraphernalia. Several local residents were asked to show their GWiraq cards and were reported to Student Judicial Services, which then promptly stripped them of whatever rights they had gained in the post-Saddam era (See “Crime Log: Sunni Triangle”).