Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
In a surprising turn of events for the worlds of faith and commercial music, Pope John Paul II announced that Bono, lead singer of the popular rock group U2, will succeed him as the Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. In a press statement given from the Vatican City helicopter pad, a representative of the Pope said, “Bono is the ideal man to represent the decency and humility that the Catholic Church espouses.
The announcement of Bono’s ordination comes on the heels of numerous other secular adulations for the Irish singer, who was recently nominated to be president of the World Bank and nominated for last year’s Nobel Peace Prize. In addition to his musical career, Bono has earned a reputation as a selfless humanitarian for his free sponsorship of groups like Amnesty International, DATA (Debt, AIDS, and Trade in Africa) and Apple Computer Inc.
At a press conference from his summer home in the South of France, Bono proclaimed, “I guess Matthew: 5 was right – The meek shall inherit the earth!” he said, winking from behind his trademark Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses. “I’m honored that the Pontiff, who I’ve always considered to be an Irishman at heart, chose me to succeed him. I guess you could say I’ve got pride in the name of God.”
Asked about possible church reforms in the wake of the ongoing clerical molestation scandals, Bono quipped, “Well, our first album was called Boy. I guess we won’t be playing songs from that one anymore,” which elicited chortles from the press audience. “No, I kid. But I will say that just as I did for the iPod, I’d like to help institute a younger, sexier image for Catholicism. I hope to work with my friend Steve Jobs to introduce a new ChristPod. On the case’s front would be an image of Jesus Christ nailed to the cross, and on the back, His engraved signature, ‘Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior,’ and each iPod would come preloaded with albums by Jars of Clay, John Tesh and The Passion of the Christ soundtrack. Blessed are the poor in spirit, but how blessed are those without such a cool toy? Rock and roll stops the traffic.”
U2 guitarist The Edge, who was recently asked to sponsor an international Jewish group who mistook his baldness-concealing hat for a yarmulke, could not be reached for comment.
