Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
Reacting to a year in which teams in the Atlantic 10 Basketball Conference went 2-132 in non-conference play, the NCAA decided it was time to put the league conference in its proper place: exile.
Now considered worse than a Division III league, the A-10 is going down the proverbial toilet of college basketball.
And soon, the abbreviation “A-10” will take on a whole new meaning. Beginning next year, GW will play in the Australian-10 Conference, which will consist of five relocated college squads and five clubs from Down Under.
The new A-10 will no longer receive an automatic bid into the NCAA Tournament, and will no longer be associated with American intercollegiate athletics. United States President George W. Bush approved the move, saying that the Atlantic 10 no longer displayed “the hard work” it took to be successful in the economically viable land of America.
The soon-to-be Australia-bound players didn’t have much to say about the move other than yelling “G’day mate” in their best fake Australian accents. Most didn’t even know what a Vegemite sandwich was.
“Isn’t that a female contraceptive device?” one player asked. No, not that kind of down under, a teammate then told him.
“I’m just happy I can get a Bloomin’ Onion every damn day,” said St. Joseph’s sharp-shooting guard Matt Carroll, who dropped 25 on G-Dub last month. “I think I’m going to buy myself a Koala Bear for a pet and teach him to fetch a boomerang too.”
When informed that there really aren’t any Outback Steakhouses in the Outback, Carroll expressed disbelief.
“What?” he asked. “Isn’t that where they started?”
Xavier point guard Steve Burrell was visibly upset. He remembers a book he read when he was little. That taught him all he needed to know about Australia.
“Don’t you remember that book?” he asked. “It was called ‘Alexander’s Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad day.’ During his awful day, he said he was going to move to Australia. Now that’s what I’m going to have to do.”
Even after earning a trip to the NCAA Tournament this year, the Colonials could not avoid deportation.
“You just have to imagine,” NCAA spokesman Miles Bond said. “A league that cannot stand on its own and beat up on teams in lower conferences. That is absolutely unacceptable. And for that reason, I’m sending them to Australia.”