Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
There has been a lot of reflection around here lately about the enormous success of last year’s April 1 production, The Jew-W SnipIt. We are, after all, just a bunch of attention-seeking children, and as last year proved, what better way to gain attention than to offend a variety of social and ethnic groups while showing pictures of genitalia and naked lesbians making out?
Yes, those were the glory days. We hit it big time. People loved our offensiveness so much, they grabbed stacks of the paper for themselves and threw them in the garbage. The FMLA put up signs complimenting our sense of humor. We got face time on the evening news. We got the coveted WJLA routine – a full TV news story with inaccurate facts and punchy, slanted one-liners. We were even judged as despicable human beings by the authority on passing judgment, The GW Conservative.
So in the last few weeks, the obvious question was, how could we pull off a repeat of last year?
Well, we had some great ideas. Instead of three dildos on our front page, we would have five. Instead of just belittling Jews, we would throw in Christians and Muslims this time to complete the trifecta. Instead of showing a cut out of a tongue licking a human rectal area, we would show other body parts as well. We were even hoping to have a feces-themed paper to fully satisfy our sophomoric tastes.
But alas, our efforts were thwarted by our own ineptitude. You see, back at the beginning of the year, our photo editor and production manager insisted on an expensive, new computer server that we didn’t need. We then could not spend money on office technology improvements needed elsewhere, and when we tried to replicate and even outdo last year’s April crudeness, our worst nightmare occurred: a computer glitch.
It was 11 p.m. last night, far too late to get the problem fixed for today’s paper. So we had to make a lot of last-minute changes to stories affected by the technical glitch. No referring to the University as Jew-W. Nothing on the sexual escapades of our athletic mascots. Nothing making fun of feminists (oh, wait, we still did that). Nothing intended to offend rapists. And in a weird twist, our lesbian, whipped cream photo came out of the printing press as two guys.
So on behalf of our entire staff, I sincerely apologize for not being more sophomoric, offensive and plain crass this year. We pledge to you, once we get our computer problems fixed, to embarrass ourselves more thoroughly next year.
Womanizer in Chief
President, The Board of Censors