With a job that sets tuition back eleven g’s and affords one the luxury of over 700 facebook friends guided by the greatest sincerity, who wouldn’t want to be President of the Student Association? Naturally, a character of great mystique is the one who ends up handling the job and the collective fate of our entire student body. Well, sort of.

I took the chance to sit down to chat briefly with Omar Woodward, our esteemed SA President, and asked him questions that are not even remotely relevant to anything regarding the SA and its agenda. Some of the questions and responses are paraphrased because I was way too lazy to record this with much accuracy.

Adam Chandler: Some people say the SA is full of self-important toolbags whose delusions of grandeur reach beyond the likes that most of us have ever seen before. What is your take on that statement?

Omar Woodward: You’re right. This organization attracts people like that. They are very politically oriented, like much of the school, and are dedicated to stop apathy.

AC: How much crap would you say you have to go through in the course of a given day?

OW: A lot! Things that involve crap tend to happen a lot, but I enjoy it. It makes me aware that I am doing my job.

AC: Same here … in oh so many naughty ways (maniacal, albeit unnecessarily exaggerated internal snickering ensued).

AC: Now, I heard that as part of the renovations to Gelman Library, in conjunction with the added Starbucks, after decades a sprinkler system is now finally being set up in the library. Which do you think is more flammable, two million volumes of books and periodicals or coffee beans?

OW: Umm, yeah, they were going to add those sprinklers anyway as part of the renovations.

AC: Neat. So which celebrities have you gotten to meet because of your “status” and connections? And did you actually tell them your title?

OW: Let’s see … John McLaughlin. I did tell him my title, but he wasn’t impressed. The mayor, a few senators and Wolf Blitzer, but he isn’t much of a celebrity. Don’t write that though.

AC: How many meetings would you say you have during a normal week?

OW: Probably about 10 to 12 at least.

AC: How good are my columns?

OW: They’re great. The only reason I feel good when I pick up The Hatchet or why I even still pick it up anymore (Your wit and humor adds meaning to the life of this commander-in-chief and pushes me to strive toward excellence unphazed by the damaging cynicism that leads much of society’s youth astray. It is only now that I recognize that your exceptional good looks in person match and further complement the great mind that I sit in awe of before me).

AC: And if you could slay one mortal archnemesis in the SA who would it be and what weapon would you use?

OW: Not one person, but all self-important politicians.

AC: Boo. And since you’re president, do girls ever…

OW: Yes.

AC: Alright, now some word association: legislation.

OW: Hate it.

AC: Electrolysis.

OW: What is that?

AC: Favonian.

OW: Sounds like Favre-onian.

AC: Some Eagles fan you are. Lastly, is there anything else you’d like the masses of Hatchet readers to know about you?

OW: Yeah, actually. A little while ago, I had a crying girl that appeared in my office (he kept going before I could do anything with that statement). It was 40 degrees outside and 80 degrees in her room in E Street.

AC: So you let her sleep…

OW: So I called Robin (some woman with some title related to housing) and got the heat turned off in E Street for a week until it was really needed. That is what I want to do. Basically, I want to be the saving grace of the SA and I want to help all the students I can because it’s the only way they get to know me. I want to be a hero.

At this point the interview ended because I had to change pants. Thanks Omar.

-The writer, a senior majoring in a Middle East studies, is a Hatchet humor columnist.