Column: The Call of the Wild

Being recently unleashed from another good relationship gone bad, I find myself once again single and on the prowl. After losing my latest mating partner, my mind raced with questions about the sex lives of single guys and gals. How do these packs of singles survive the cold and lonely winter? Without anyone to cuddle up to in my den I began to wonder, how can a single survive without sex?

Two weeks into my singledom I began to get fidgety and had more sexual day dreams than a 15-year old boy. I asked my friend Lynn, a proud-to-be-a-single-woman, how she remains not only single but also sensational without any sexual contact. When I inquired how she maintains her single status, and her sanity, she flashed her eyes and pulled her pink lipstick from her purse. Just as I grabbed for the stick to see if it was my shade, she flipped her hair, flipped the switch and proceeded to flip my lid. Her pink lipstick was not intended for my dry facial lips, but in between hers – below the belt. There I was, inches away from a single woman’s secret weapon. Instead of getting rattled by the crazy dating world and losing sleep over lost orgasms, it seems that many women have begun to skip the drama and rattle and hum on their own.

The Kinsey Report published in the 60s stated that approximately 60 percent of women masturbate. More recent studies vary in their estimations, anywhere from 20 to 80 percent. Male masturbation is reported to be 98 to 100 percent. However, many of the studies I came across did not go on to ask about sex toys – and that seems to be where the money is. With Lynn packing at all times and spam mail promising me an orgasm before the water boils, sex toys seem to be the newest accessory. As someone less interested in statistics and more involved in real life exploration, I decided there was only one place for me to understand the twists and turns of sex toys: back home to New York City.

A few of my friends and I walked up 8th Avenue in the most prominent sex district of New York searching for the holy grail of sex toys. Being a no-battery needed and sexually male dependent kind of girl, I had no idea what realm I was about to enter. The store was a pornographic petting zoo of sorts. Each wrapped selection offered a loyal new best friend with names ripped from the Brooklyn Zoo. Through each aisle I petted the panda vibrator, leopard lover, pouncing jaguar and the jack rabbit. Each female sex toy had some type of animalistic overtone. The vibrators had pandas working as clitoral stimulators, the rabbit’s ears fluttered to work one’s outsides, while its pearl interior works one’s insides. My friends soared through the air with the butterfly and dove into the ocean with the octo-pussy. Standing in aisle three of this sex toy dynasty, it hit me that I was waist deep into National Pornographic. Had I been wasting time in the past waiting for guys to go down when scientific designers have built these lovely creatures that are down with my anatomy?

I asked the salesman to walk me around and get me acquainted with his stock. There were dildos, vibrators, clitoral stimulators that work with a remote control, everything an adult film star would ask Santa to stick in her stocking, amongst other places. But didn’t this seem a little one sided? What about all the single brothers out there? Was there something down aisle four that is for the fellas?

The salesman, after hearing my request to see the little boys’ section, turned the corner and we entered the masculine zone. There they were – the little things people don’t talk about at dinner parties, and the things you hope your mom never finds under your bed: anal plugs. These plugs, which are apparently purchased more by men than women, just weren’t what I expected. Sure, men could be buying more of them, but when push comes to shove, these can be used by either gender. It just seemed unfair. The ladies get butterflies and jelly formed koalas and all the guys get is a two-inch plastic plug?

Before I could scream reverse sexism, high up on the top shelf was the equivalent of the equal opportunity sex toy – the enhancer. The enhancer is a male vibrator that is placed on the head of the penis, it can be used during sex or during those five spare minutes you have before going out. I held the magnum vibrator for women in one hand, the enhancer for men in the other, and felt equality among the sexes for the first time. Sure, we have disproportionate pay and glass ceilings, but at the end of the day, we can all be buzzed equally. Between the plugs, inflatable pigs and the penis puppet (don’t ask), it’s amazing that singles are able to leave the house at all.

Being single is tough. There is no assured date on national holidays, no call from someone special before bedtime and no flowers on a Tuesday just because. But don’t fret, my single soldiers, you will always have a friend in the sex toy fairy. Whether it be the Big Man’s Lasso or the My Baby Got Back Multi-Speed Anal Pocket Pal, there’s something out there to bring the animal out in you. If you find yourself hard up and somebody easy hard to come by, drive down to your local sex shop or visit one online to relieve your pressure. Life is hard enough. Luckily achieving an orgasm is now made easy.

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