Column: An election lesson: Vote or die

Well, just when we were assured our safety from the imminent terrorist attack that would solely accompany a Kerry victory, we have a new enemy on the move against us. While some people say that poor voter turnout in this election proved once again that the only adversary of young voters is apathy, in reality these people are stupid. Our real enemy is Puffy.

P. Diddy’s domineering role in founding Citizen Change with its youth-based voter registration initiative dubbed “Vote or Die” did not prove that voters ages 18 to 24 are afraid of death, it just proved that no one is afraid of Puffy. And unless one was potentially faced with a posthumous musical tribute from the Diddy himself, why would anyone be afraid of him?

It’s the crappy pandering of disingenuous celebrities that further disillusions young voters from being involved in the political process. Don’t get me wrong, the Boss is still the man, but most celebrity involvement in “getting out the vote” is only detracting from the national perception of what compels young voters to care about their country. Alright, I take that back. Only Puffy detracts from the national perception, as if he were truly “hip” and emblematic of youth.

If I may be so bold as to include an excerpt from the Citizen Change website describing its mission statement: “Founded by businessman, entertainer, actor, producer and designer Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs, Citizen Change has one mission: to make voting hot, sexy and relevant to a generation that hasn’t reached full participation in the political process.”

Clearly it’s Puffy’s singular voice in the midst of politicians, war heroes and other accomplished leaders that resonates mostly clearly when it comes to the issues, right? We youth certainly all aspire to mimic his unequivocal zeal for political activism and in turn will not hesitate to shake our proverbial “tail feathers” to the voting booth at Puffy’s decree. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt him if we happened to check out his new line of Sean Jean sweatshop gear along the way to the polls.

After all, Puffy is certainly one to emulate. While the courts found him innocent in his weapons and bribery charges, “we the people” managed to let him get away with the murder of such classic anthems as the Police’s “Every Breath You Take” and Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.” While he was willing to modestly grant himself the titles businessman, entertainer, actor, producer and designer, he forgot to add demagogue and sell-out.

And not that I watch his music videos, I mean, I caught part of one when I was flipping through the channels, but he is a terrible dancer and is probably impotent and shouldn’t have been in a video with Usher. Moreover, no matter how many sugar cookies he and the entire Bad Boy label (by the way, cool name) can eat, he will still be remembered best as the guy before the guy before the last guy that J. Lo had on a leash.

This column, coincidentally enough, goes to press on Puff’s 35th birthday, which is only two days after the election I am certainly not still bitter about and am not masking my contempt for by ripping apart a washed-up rapper and his stupid voter registration initiative.

So, in conclusion, sort of: happy birthday old man, it’s time you retire. Vote or die. Or be disingenuous about youth involvement in the political process to further sell yourself and then die. Viva Bush. Woo.

-The writer, a senior majoring in Middle East studies, is a Hatchet humor columnist.

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