Column: Write in LaRouche

With all this rhetoric about Bush vs. Kerry floating around, most voters have neglected to fully appreciate the power of the write-in vote. Current D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams, in his last election, was the write-in candidate as the incumbent and won. Even closer to home, Kris Hart, our former SA president, stands tomorrow as a write-in candidate for a local Advisory Neighborhood Commission election, and will probably lose. But that’s not the point.

Write-in votes have permeated our political culture. Who can forget the epic “Saved by the Bell” episode where Jessie Spano and Zack Morris duked it out for Bayside student body president? While Zack pulled out the victory by one vote, only to resign after Mr. Belding canceled his trip to Washington, D.C., there were huge implications of the write-in vote that ultimately determined the election. Among the candidates detracting from the close election were Alf with over ten votes as well as Gilligan – six, and the Skipper – two. Despite the awkward half-smile in my column picture, I had a very sad childhood.

Anyway, now that we’ve established how democracy is goaded by haphazard write-in voting, we must recognize how we can put it to use. While some think we may only have two choices on Election Day, we actually have six. Vote for Bush, vote for Kerry, yeah, yeah the generic options.

Pretend like you’re going to vote to appear worldly amongst your peers, a more realistic choice. Waste a vote for Nader and “stick it to the man.” Go see the Ray Charles movie instead of voting and imagine how funny it would have been if Regis Philbin had been cast as Ray, since Ray didn’t know what he looked like anyway. Oh, and lastly, vote for a write-in candidate.

So if you don’t like Bush or Kerry and think Ray Charles jokes are in poor taste, you’re halfway there. If you want to be a non-conformist, but not a conformist non-conformist and vote for Nader, that’s one less to choose from. And if you won’t appear worldly to your friends no matter what you do, my advice is to write-in Lyndon LaRouche for president tomorrow.

Which candidate has the ingenuity to come up with a plan to connect a Trans-Siberian railroad with a united Korean railway in order to stimulate the U.S. economy and promote world peace? Which candidate has the candidness to call Nader supporters “fascists” and to call the entirety of the Bush administration the “Children of Satan?”

Most importantly, which candidate has had the most presence on our campus? Sure, Bush has spoken here twice maybe, but he lives a block away. The only reason Kerry came to GW is because Trachtenberg is still futilely obsessing over being Secretary of Education someday and his homey Lieberman didn’t make the cut. Nader doesn’t really exist; he is actually a cryogenically-frozen rubber chicken clone and thus hasn’t recently appeared on campus for fear that Aramark will use his neck and ankles in the foot-longs at Subway.

LaRouche has shown that he cares about GW. His supporters seem to care about him. They actually seem so under the spell of his charisma you’d think they were brainwashed. Moreover, he has run for president seven times.

The following is a quote from his campaign Web site, which encapsulates just how confident this guy really is:

“On the eve of the New Hampshire primary, Lyndon LaRouche said, at a Manchester, N.H. campaign event, ‘There are only two candidates for the Democratic side, who have any significance whatsoever, for the voters and citizens of the United States: I’m one of them; the other one is obviously Senator Kerry. You can forget the rest.'”

We talk about resolve and strength and discount LaRouche? He was even convicted of conspiracy charges and sent to jail for five years. Do you think anyone would mess with the United States if we elected this guy? He wouldn’t bomb our enemies, he would bludgeon them with pamphlets and fight the war on terror by eating live kittens on al-Jazeera. This guy is for real, so let’s surprise the world and give them someone no one will know how to handle. Write in LaRouche.

-The writer, a senior majoring in Middle East studies, is a Hatchet humor columnist.

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