Chick: No matter how cute he says you are or how many times he tells you that you’re “different” from other girls, he’s lying. This is called getting duped. Welcome to college, babe.

But before you give up all hope on the male gender, think of the relationship between college men and women as symbiotic. If you don’t use each other to release your sexual tensions, you’re going to be one irritable individual.

So don’t be afraid to jump at the opportunity for the occasional hookup. However, within your first month at school you will realize just how small a 9,000 undergraduate population is. If you have a regrettable CI hookup, you will be punished by living next door to him in your dorm or by having three classes together. You’ll also probably be able to play six degrees of separation before midterms.

Hooking up at CI can also be advantageous. Think of it as your very own sexual training wheels. It’s your first chance to test your own will power while introducing yourself to a brand-new dating pool. Odds are if you hookup with a guy at CI, he’ll go as far as you’re willing.

Which brings me to my next point: Don’t go and lay every guy you start making out with! Being a lip slut is far better and safer than being a plain old dirty whore. In college, you don’t know your partner’s history. This is why the fourth floor of Thurston is known as “The Gonorrhea Floor.” But if you can’t resist regularly reaching the Big O, then I recommend a vibrator or a disease-free boyfriend to avoid getting preggers or spreading STDs in Thurston.

At CI, it’s not a question of whether you should try to get some; if you’re at CI, a wedding, the mall or a strip club you should always be striving to get some bedroom action. Let that be your first lesson at GW. Think of it as the golden rule of being an undergraduate: “Getting some is always the goal.”

Dick:

CI is kind of like the exhibition match before the regular season begins. Once the academic year starts, CI is meaningless because it’s unlikely you’ll see anyone again that you get with. Just consider how many people are at CI alone. Now think about the fact that CI only holds one fifth of your freshman class and only one twentieth of the entire GW population. That one person is no one. CI is your chance to get out there and have nothing to lose – except maybe your virginity.

So get some practice while you still can without any repercussions. Take that girl from across the hall and convince her that giving you head on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial is a good idea. You get to blow your load, you get bragging rights about doing so on the steps of a national monument, and you never have to worry about her telling her friends what a jerk you are because at this point she has no friends. She’ll have only known these people for a grand total of 24 hours. Have your fun now because as soon as these girls join sororities, there will be a group of 90 girls that know about your crooked or ill-endowed penis or any other nasty little secrets she uses as retaliation because you used her for a one-night stand over the summer