The Morning After: It’s not you, it’s me

Chick: When breaking up with someone, it’s usually appropriate to lie because the truth hurts. But unless you’re in a legitimate relationship in which you “communicate” and “talk about your feelings,” then 99 percent of the time, if you get dumped, you’re being lied to. To better cope with the situation, it’s best to translate a few of the common excuses women use to bail out of relationships:

Lie: I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now.
Translation: I’m cheating on you (or am seriously thinking about it).

Lie: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Translation: I’m not attracted to you at all. In fact, when you try to spoon on the couch, I want to hurl.

Lie: It’s not you, it’s me …
Translation: It’s not you, it’s me … wanting to hook up with one of your friends.

Lie: I need space.
Translation: You’re painfully overbearing. Stop calling me every five minutes, you psycho.

Lie: I don’t think we’re right for each other.
Translation: Getting laid by you is as titillating as watching tree frogs mate on the Discovery Channel.

Such lines often incite hysterical crying from the dumpee – boys do cry, especially over heartless, bitchy girls. So if he turns on the faucets, start crying, too, that way he won’t feel like such a pansy.

Dick: It usually happens a few minutes after your last hookup. You realize you want to be far away from the girl and squirm at the thought of having to cuddle with her the rest of night. It’s time to end it. Obviously, the type of conversation is based on how long you have been dating – a few weeks, six months or more than a year.

You don’t have any immediate prospects. So you figure that you can handle another week with this chick while you search for some rebound booty, and you don’t want to be left to the likes of your right hand. You start to drift away from your current girl, taking an extra day to answer phone calls – indicating to her that this relationship may be ending. You start acting like an asshole to her in front of her friends at J Street. Since it’s ending, you could also start asking to try some different stuff in the bedroom, i.e., butt sex, the rusty trombone or the one-legged pirate. Any act you don’t want the future mother of your children ever doing.

So hopefully by the first weekend of the gradual breakup, you’ll get the digits of some broad from Thurston at one of the 18/21 parties at Singapore Bistro. Now, with guaranteed ass a drunken dial away, you can call it quits with wifey. Remember, though, most girls are crazy; the vagina is the emotional melting pot.

Call her up, or for the less sensitive, you can text message and tell her that you “need to talk.” Find a place that is kind of public to prevent her from totally freaking out, preferably a bench on Kogan or near the Health and Wellness Center so you can check out new prospects during the conversation.

Tell her you don’t think it’s working out and that you think she is a great person, but you have realized you aren’t ready for a real relationship. Hopefully she won’t get desperate and try to convince you to stay with her. This is also your chance to see if she wants to continue to “hang out” but without the full commitment – the friends with benefits scenario. It’s likely she will say “no thanks” since you have already been together and she’s clingy. But it’s always good to try to boost your 2 a.m. Saturday night booty call possibilities.

A better option is to sleep with her roommate. Chances are, at this point in the year, you will only run into her once or twice more, and it involves a lot fewer words.

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