Chick: If by “awkward” you mean you see the hot Campus Snacks delivery guy who you took advantage of the night before, then don’t worry about it. But if “awkward” means the guy you hooked up with only looks good after a few cups of jungle juice, then deny that anything ever happened and avoid him. Save his number in your phone as “Do Not Answer” so you don’t mistakenly pick up.

A much stickier situation would be if you were giving head and instead of swallowing you started to gag and vomit. It can happen if you’re real drunk and already feeling nauseous. And if you’re with some random dude, you’re probably real drunk in the first place – or you’re just a slut. If that happened, I’m embarrassed for you.

The guy’s equivalent would be if the girl paused for air and then you gave her the early squirt in the eye. After she regains her vision, she’ll make sure you’re known around campus as the dude who blows his load inappropriately.

My best advice is to transfer schools. This is a tight-knit campus. Stories of your most mortifying bedroom disasters will spread around faster than the clap in Thurston. Chances are he’ll be in a frat. He’ll send a very detailed account of your story to more than 50 brothers on their listserv, and then you’re pretty much screwed. So yeah, transfer.

The next best option is retaliation: start a rumor about him. It’s juvenile and untrue, but if you’re going down, you’ve got to take him with you.

Dick: The only thing worse than an awkward hookup is no hookup at all. But recovering from an awkward hookup and talking to the girl can be almost as awkward as killing her cat and then trying to take her out for dinner. It’s always great when something bad happens – the next day you run into one of her friends, and they give the, “I know what happened to you last night” smile.

The best way to save an awkward hookup is to make sure that no matter what, you get to blow your load. Have fun with it, too. Try something you never thought you could do with a girl, such as finishing without giving your hookup a warning. You might as well, because at this rate you are never hooking up with her again.

If it’s one of the hookups that is just going miserably from the beginning, but you picked a slutty enough girl so she is still willing to have sex, I suggest the rodeo. Right as you are about to finish, call her a dirty two-bit hooker, and when she tries to get away and run, see if you can hold on for eight seconds.