For one night every year gay men and their fag hags rule the earth. It is a fabulous time void of hetero men. It is a time of glitter and glam. Drag queens roam the streets freely and glow sticks are in high demand. Whips, harnesses and Leather Daddies are highly visible. This is our night. And this is the night that George W. Bush and his Federal Communications Commission have taken away from us.

Yes that is correct, the Victoria’s Secret television fashion show has been canceled this year for fear of how Bush and the FCC might react to it. The one night of the year gays and their hags know that they have to command the earth without any worry from Billy-Bob the Redneck has been brought to an abrupt end. The reason: Janet Jackson’s nipple. The Jackson “nipple ripple” has simply gone too far. In fact, the vast right-wing conspiracy that Hillary Clinton has been yapping about for years is finally starting to take full effect. Undeniably, the conservatives in this country are starting to take control of our minds and our freedom of expression.

I do not know about you, but I am starting to get pretty sick of being told how I can and cannot live because Jackson showed her nipple at the Super-straight Bowl. I am getting pretty tired of having some government tell me what I can and cannot believe. And I am getting pretty sick of the president’s administration caring more about steroids in sports and nipples on television than about a war in Iraq.

However, probably the saddest and sickest thing about this right-wing conspiracy is that the so-called liberal organizations are falling into this right-wing trap. As a matter of fact, the National Organization for Women, a liberal group that promotes abortion rights and a woman’s right to choose her own destiny, has praised the decision to cancel the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. NOW believes that the show objectifies women. Apparently NOW only believes that freedom of expression and the right for a woman to choose how she wants to be presented only goes as far as ensuring the right to abortion.

It is also sickening that the media has fallen into the trap of the right wing. If I have to hear one more media talking head on television complain about how “shocked” he was over Jackson’s boob exposure I am going to puke. I mean, what is so shocking about seeing something that we have all sucked from at some point in our life? Are we going to start banning cow utters from being televised? Why are my nipples allowed to be on television and not female’s nipples? Where is NOW when it comes to defending feminine nipple rights?

While it may seem as though Bush and the FCC are settled on just saving the nation from future boob exposures for now, I am a bit concerned about what is next. Already the FCC is using the boob issue to defend its desire to remove Howard Stern from the radio airwaves. Soon, I am sure, anything that is not white, straight, male and Christian will be removed from the airwaves. Indeed, why did Jackson’s black boob cause such a backlash from Bush and the FCC when little white Britney Spears has been pushing her boobs on the American public since puberty?

I do not like the police state we are moving toward here in America, and neither should anyone else that believes in freedom. Now, I must wonder, did Bush simply get rid of Saddam because he was jealous some other dictator might be stealing his spotlight?

Go ahead, Bush, censor me now. And tight-ass GW, enough right-wing complaining about The Hatchet April Fools’ edition.

–The writer, a senior majoring in human services, is a Hatchet columnist.