Spoof Issue: University eliminates fun

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

With the recent sanction placed on the Skinny Drunken Tramps sorority, 100 percent of Greek-letter groups are currently under some form of University-sanctioned suspension.

Director of Greek Affairs Really Hairy cited violation of the University Code of Conduct article 5,687 as reason for the sanction. The article states that sororities must use red cups at all University-sponsored events.

“The SDT sorority used purple plastic cups at their party this weekend,” Hairy said. “They have a total disregard for the primary color scheme this University endorses. We’re disappointed that they would set such a bad example for the rest of the Greek community.”

The recent suspension of the sorority is just one of many Greek-letter organizations to receive sanctions from the University this year.

Most recently, the Drinking To De-virginize fraternity was suspended from campus when members allegedly participated in too many philanthropy events, which was considered a form of hazing.

Last week, the fraternity threw a charity ball to raise money for those inflicted with breast cancer. Members raised $3,000 for the cause.

“DTD is an irresponsible bunch of hoodlums,” Hairy said. “We have administrators on this campus struggling to find the money to buy a third BMW, and these kids are running around throwing parties. This is ridiculous.”

The Visa Visa Mastercard sorority also received University violations for illegal consumption of alcohol. An Undersized Penis officer found an empty bottle of Nyquil next to a group of three sleeping sorority members.

The members were given a breathalyzer test, which they failed miserably.

“Nyquil has .00000004 percent alcohol content, and that’s above the limit,” said Brontosaurus Mullethead, Undersized Penis chief.

Last month, the Pink Polos fraternity members were suspended for violation of University Code of Conduct article 2,357. The sanction regulates the number of pledges a fraternity can induct in to their group each semester.

The fraternity inducted two pledges into their Spring 2004 class.

“We can’t have over-crowding in Greek housing,” Hairy said. “That’s what dorms are for.”

Greek-letter members are currently working to alleviate the problems with University administrators.

“We’ll do whatever we can to make the University happy,” said Incestuousfucking Council President, Big Blockhead. “While we really hate what the University is doing … that’s off the record … we have to take it in the ass from Hairy and pretend we like it.”

In a prepared response to Blockhead’s statement, Hairy said, “Those ungrateful bastards. They are practically forcing us to kick them off campus and buy their houses.”

The University also approved the addition of Whore House Row II next year, which will be home to six new groups, so the University will still meet its goal of having 25 percent of students in Greek-letter organizations. Each member will get a personalized jumpsuit with Tiffany’s handcuffs.

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