Spoof Issue: ‘The Passion of the Trachtenjews’: The Ivory Towers

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

“Why Fogey Bitching Association hath thou forsaken me?”

With this famous last line from our savior, the screen fades to black, but the gruesome image of Steven Jesus TrachtenJew nailed to a golden column is one that does not fade so easily, remaining permanently etched in the retinas of every viewer. This, the final image of the film, is the gory conclusion to the BackHousky brothers’ great action-epic of our time, “The Passion of the TrachtenJew: The Ivory Towers.”

The year is 2004, and the battle for campus earth has begun. With property rights standing in the way of our Lord TrachtenJew’s devout mission to build an Ivory Tower in every infidel’s land, the Devil, in the form of Don Choachum, a maniacal Mafia Capo, stands ominously in his way, sporting a killer trench coat and 44 Magnum.

The film begins with Savior Steven spreading the word of Jew-W in front of a burning bush. In the background viewers see the glorious product of his new hospital. “One permit to rule them all, one permit to find them and in the darkness bind them!” shouts the savior in his furious speech. (**SPOILER ALERT** Later, the Godly event is exposed as a clever hoax caused by a gas leak and ignited by a passing car.)

The plot line comes together when the next scene reveals Choachum (the Devil) enlisting the aid of the Bored of Zealous Assholes boys to stop the righteous spread of the Towers. “It’s time to go to the mattresses,” says a conniving Choachum. “TrachtenJew will sleep with the gefilta fishes.”

As Choachum and his boys begin an all-out legal assault, TrachtenJew makes his legendary sermon on Mount Vernon about tuition rates funding the real estate effort. “In God we trust; all others must pay cash!” screams Savior Steven as he stands righteously amidst a sea of loyal students applying for admission. In response to the speech, the students, now devout TrachtenJews, proceed to inflate a large likeness of the Savior and parade the streets, shouting, “You’re old, we’re young, the future’s not yours to run!”

Seeing that the fanatical TrachtenJews have a large inflatable Savior, Choachum and the BZA boys realize the seriousness of the situation and decide to turn up the heat.

With this, the stage is set for the intense battle between good and evil that will decide the fate of apartment buildings and empty lots worldwide.

Taking place in a war-torn

Kogan plaza, the two sides meet

amidst a massive rainstorm, the BZA boys on one side, the TrachtenJews on the other. Choachum leaps forward, head-butting the savior in his sternum. As blood spurts out of his mouth, Savior Steve back-flips 12 times to escape danger. Choachum unloads his entire 44 while screaming incomprehensible phrases, the camera displays the scene in tight close-ups, cylinders spinning and bullets hurtling toward its target. Not knowing what to do, TrachtenJew makes a last-minute decision to relate a completely irrelevant anecdote, confusing the bullets and making them drop to the ground.

All is going well for Savior Steven, until he accidentally trips over a randomly placed golden column, only to fall into a drained fountain and be knocked unconscious. We all know what happens next – forced to scale the steps of the School Without Walls carrying that very same column, we the viewer are tortured to watch as the BZA lashes TrachtenJew with enlarged graduation tassels.

The symbolism behind the nailing is extraordinary. Using the leftover nails scattered from the original hospital demolition, Savior Steven is taunted by other “crucifify-ees.” The notorious Haunte’ Killiams “shauntes” the debilitated savior, saying, “Don’t worry, Lord, I’ll force team members to watch inspirational videos of you after you die!” while Atilla Hunsby, hung heavily for his outrageous anal obsession, proclaims, “You’ll never guess where I put that column last week!” All we, the visually incapacitated viewers, can do is cry softly … and remember that he died for our education. n

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