Spoof Issue: Student blabs on and on

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

A Jew-W student’s persistent in-class questions and comments are causing heightened levels of irritation in all of his courses, students said.

Most class members say Mikey Looselips, a junior, is responsible for an average of 17 minutes worth of wasted time in each of his classes.

“The guy doesn’t shut the fuck up,” said sophomore sorority member Tiffany Goldcard, citing the main complaint against Looselips.

She added that his comments do not aid in her studies.

“It’s like, his stupid theory today on … like … whatever it is was that the professor was talking about … It’s not going to be on the test, dude.”

She also urged Looselips to “shuh, like get with it.”

Looselips’ schedule encompasses 17 credit hours, maximizing his ability to irritate those around him while not incurring additional tuition charges. He takes courses across five disciplines and three schools, in addition to a yoga class.

Members of the yoga course are especially disdainful of Looselips.

“I come to yoga to chill out,” said Roger Bluntroller, a fifth-year senior. “I’m glad I come to class high, because if I didn’t I’d probably want to kick that dude’s ass.”

Bluntroller said Looselips often peppers the yoga instructor with questions about positioning, delaying the actual time the rest of the class can devote to learning yoga.

“Everybody just kind of stares at him in a mix of disbelief and contempt. He doesn’t even pick up on it,” Bluntroller added.

Looselips was credited with more than 30 minutes of wasted time last Tuesday in a political science class. Jonathan Bleedingheart, a freshman, said Looselips’ comments angered him the most in class.

“I mean, I’m a Democrat and this kid … Jesus, he’s just a friggin’ moron. He takes the most extreme anti-Bush view on everything in some warped attempt to sound cool.

The only conservative member of the class, senior Bret Bombemall, noted that it is easier for Looselips to get his point across in this class than in others because “even the most liberal students in that class would rather agree with me than in any way remotely sound like they’re agreeing with that asshole.”

Students in Looselips’ philosophy class say he often goes overboard in class participation. Senior Victoria Gothchick said Looselips’ comments “are like the stab of a cold dagger through the heart of my eternal woe.”

She recounted an instance when Looselips distributed handouts at the beginning of one class as a follow-up to points he had made the day before. Gothchick said that after class Looselips was walking out the door and paused when he noticed many of his handouts on the floor.

“He almost looked kind of sad for a second,” she said, “but then I remembered how annoying he is and I stopped looking at him.

Junior Tim Crackinup said Looselips is in three of his classes.

“Oh, holy shit. That motherfucker is the bane of my existence. Every time I see his hand pop up in class, I get this sinking feeling in my gut,” he said.

Crackinup said Looselips has tried to engage him in conversation on more than one occasion regarding much of their shared work.

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