Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Pres. Hardon to enter Alcoholics Anonymus

Suckssohard Association President Kissmy Hardon announced this week he will enter Alcoholics Anonymous immediately following his term.

The junior, who has spent the last three years eroding his liver, said he hopes the University community will support him in his time of need.

“Now that I’m not going to be an SA tool anymore, I had to find something to occupy my time,” Hardon said. “So I figured maybe I should just grow a set and admit I have a problem.”

Earlier this year, the Undersized Penis Department busted a party in Hardon’s room. Hardon said that after blowing University President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood, Jew-W dropped charges alleging that he was drinking.

Members of Hardon’s fraternity, Phuckin Sketchy Krackers, said they will miss Hardon’s alcoholism.

“He really has absolutely no personality unless he’s got at least a 24 pack in him,” said Porch Monkey, fraternity president.

-Lizzzzy Foshizzzzy