Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
“We are the future of our country, and the only way to steer America on the right course is to have La Bouche at the helm, providing strong leadership, a clear vision for tomorrow and some dope beats,” says
David Angelo, the president of GW’s La Bouche campaign.
La Bouche burst onto the international pop scene with its 1996 debut album Sweet Dreams, which included such notable tracks as “Be My Lover” and “Where Do You Go.” Since then, La Bouche has been featured on countless “best of” dance mixes and is remembered as one of the cornerstones of the ’90s club era.
Lead singer Sir Lane McCray, who will soon release his second solo album, said he realized the power of rhyme and his ability to unite the people throughout his musical career. After witnessing the recent popularity of democratic pre-candidate Lyndon LaRouche, McCray said it occurred to him, “Maybe I could get a piece of that.
“I decided to run for president of the United States of America to take a proactive role in my own destiny and sell another 10 million records,” he continued, claiming he has no political agenda.
As his first act in office, McCray plans to remodel the White House and give it more of an “urban flair.”
The La Bouche campaign is said to mimic the political strategies of LaRouche. At training sessions, campaigners practice pronouncing the 100 longest words in the dictionary so they can use them to degrade passers-by who do not support the La Bouche platform. However, campaigners are not required to learn the meaning of any of these 100 words.
“Some say multilateralism is a big word, and it is,” Angelo said.
La Bouche has already been endorsed by fellow artists the Real McCoy, Crystal Waters and Ace of Base. With 15 members, GW represents one of the largest chapters of the La Bouche campaign.
The group says it has already held rallies and gone door to door, “but the most effective strategy has been to throw bricks with La Bouche fliers taped to them off the overpass of Route 83. We also do palm cards,” Angelo noted.
With the appropriate campaign slogan “Be My Lover!” McCray said he wants voters to think long and hard about his candidacy. He recommends listening to the following lyrics on repeat before coming to any conclusions: “Looking back on all the time we spent together, you oughta know right now if you wanna be my lover, wanna be my lover. Go ahead and take your time, boy you gotta feel secure. Before I make you mine, baby, you have to be sure. You wanna be my lover, wanna be my lover, wanna be my lover. La da da dee da da da da. A ha ye heyee wanna be my lover.”
“What the American people need is someone with a perspective from outside the beltway,” Angelo said. “La Bouche hasn’t been to D.C. since his eighth-grade field trip, when he was suspended from school for spitting off the balcony of the Best Western.”
This week, La Bouche will perform live preview tracks off his upcoming album Aspects of Love on strategically placed megaphones throughout campus. In the tradition of LaRouche, his new political approach is to sing as poorly as possible, although he says the album features the same quality of sound listeners would expect.
“Music has been bringing people together since the beginning of time. Aspects of Love will speak to the heart of every man, woman and child and show them that they are not alone in their struggles. I am right there with them,” McCray said. “It will also allow me to start renovations on my homes in Saint Tropez and Belize.”
McCray said his primary strategy is to keep producing “dance music with a conscience. Aspects of Love will give listeners a look inside the man behind the music, as it deals with the many aspects of love, from love at first sight, to the down side of wanting to be out of love.”
To prepare for its quest to make voters be his lover, La Bouche for America in 2004 (or ’08, it’s all good) has been seen around campus chanting these persuasive and inspirational lyrics: “Oh, oh, be my lover, I know you wanna be my love, I know you wanna be miiiiiiiine yeah. La da da dee da da da da. La da da dee da da da da. La da da dee da. La da da da dee da. La da da dee da da da da da.”
Campaigners are required to play the bass line of a La Bouche track in their headphones for at least 10 hours each day and practice their moves alone for at least four hours. La Bouche frequently visits each campaign chapter to test members on whether or not they can “feel the bass.”
Regardless of rumors that have been swarming around the La Bouche campaign since its start, members still claim that they are not a cult, and La Bouche still insists this is more than just a move to get more booty.
Ed. Note: The real Mr. McCray, believe it or not, actually was present at this interview. No quotes are fabricated.