Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
In a recent press release, Intascope Records outlined its new marketing strategy, the centerpiece of which is a minimum criminal rap sheet for all of its new hip-hop contracts.
In the release, Interscope Vice President of Public Relations Chip Thompson said that the unprecedented success of former crack dealer-turned-multiplatinum-rapper 50 Dollars, who has been shot nine times (including once in the face), has showed Intascope that the tide of commercial hip-hop is turning in a more felonious direction.
“We have decided that, to better embody the truth of hip-hop life, we will no longer hire decent citizens to be part of our roster,” the press release said. “Our new pool of talent will be drawn entirely from the criminal element of America.”
In a telephone interview from his vacation home in the Hamptons, Thompson said the specific minimum is no less than three felonies.
“We’re showing that Intascope is the label of the streets,” he said.
The Snipit traveled to Los Angeles to interview 50 Dollars, the pioneer of bullet-riddled hip-hop himself, before his sold-out show at the Staples Center. We hopped into his limo, and while cruising down Rodeo Drive, 50 answered questions about Intascope’s decision.
“This shit was bound to happen,” a totally iced-out 50 said through sips of Cristal. “I knew that’d I’d be the trailblazer. I have been, am and always will be from the streets. I know that in a few years these sucker posers who think they’re hard are gonna be dusted, and thugs like me will be leadin’ the charge.”
50 then had his driver stop so he could shop for new goblets for his yacht.
One of two new artists signed to Intascope is Heeb Unit, a hardcore Hasidic Jewish rap trio from Boca Raton, Fla. Frontman Matzoh Man described the crew as being “like the Beastie Boys, if they’d smoked angel dust and listened to Charles Manson instead of the Dalai Lama.” Heeb Unit’s Dr. Dreidel-produced debut album, Nothin’ But a Bris Thang, hits stores this Passover.
Rounding up the new wave of Interscope artists is Osama bin Leaden, a thug from the streets of Kabul whose brain matter has been almost entirely replaced by bullet lead and bomb shrapnel as a result of the U.S. bombing campaign in Afghanistan. His debut record, Taliban, Baby, recorded in his crib at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is the story of a hard-knock life in Afghanistan leading to a life of bling-bling at a maximum-security U.S. Army base. The first single from Taliban, Baby, the anthem “Get Ur Jihad On,” is a challenge to the members of Heeb Unit to a mic-to-mic battle.
“I’ll show those suckas who’s boss,” bin Leaden said. “I’ve got Allah on my side, bitch.”
Will Smith, who enrolled in the Federal Witness Protection Program after the Intascope announcement, could not be reached for comment.