Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
Female students said they are turning to lesbianism and masturbation in response to the disproportionate numbers of gay, metrosexual and ugly guys at the University.
In recent weeks, girls have begun growing armpit hair and burning their bras in Kogan Plaza. Females have also been seen straddling the gold column in the Marvin Center and setting their cell phones on vibrate and sticking them in their vaginas.
“This is fabulous,” said University President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood. “If this type of behavior continues, we will bar all attractive, straight male students from campus, giving the girls no other option.”
Several female students, especially those who have been at Jew-W for four years, said they are “traumatized” by the lack of “worthwhile testosterone.”
“This hideous guy was hitting on me,” junior Cunt Lova said. “A few beers later he was kinda lookin’ good. We started hooking up and it was like, two inches? Puh-leese. I can do it better myself.”
Freshman Munchy Box said she had a boyfriend for a few months but he would always cancel plans, saying he was at the gym or tanning.
“Then I walked in on him and his boyfriend using the sex swing I bought for him. I was so turned off to men that I haven’t looked back since,” she said.
The change in girls’ behavior has led to a surge in interest in the Mount Vagina Campus and Strong Hall.
“I can’t wait to move into Pelham next year,” freshman Boobilicious Dick-Hater said. “Even looking at any of the guys on campus makes me want to sew up my vag. If I see one more 5-foot, 2-inch tall guy with a salmon-colored polo shirt and a popped collar, I may actually do it.”
Community Felatiohaters said they are already planning sex toy parties and pudding wrestling for the residents, to which no males will be invited. Each dorm room will come complete with a mirrored ceiling above the bed, pink vibrators for all residents and posters of Britney Beers.
Provisions Market also will begin selling “butch and blue” vibrators and dildos, to accommodate girls’ growing interest in other girls. Students can use Colonial Cash or one of Daddy’s credit cards to purchase “Georgie” for $15 or “Big Martha” for $25.
“We are confident that this will significantly boost our profits, while catering to students’ needs,” said Cum Daily, regional director for Smokingcrackamark. “Maybe now we have more than a snowball’s chance in hell of having our contract renewed.”
Some offices around campus, including women’s studies, the Undersized Penis Department and all feminist student organizations, have noticed a rise in applications for positions.
UPD Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said she is considering changing UPD’s name because of the sudden rise in female interest.
“We might have to become UVD – the University Vagina Department – if we keep getting this high number of applicants” Mullethead said.
GW’s metrosexual males said they have not noticed the recent trend, citing spending too much time shopping to care about the lonely condition of their flaccid penises.
“Oh my god! I love my new Prada shoes,” said senior Blows Himself, while adding a third handful of gel to his hair and then taking a picture of himself with his cell phone. “And this Burberry jacket? Fuck yeah, I’m hot!”
