Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
The University began construction on a three-mile security fence along the West End this week as part of its plan to unilaterally separate itself from Foggy Bottom, just days after its “targeted killing” of the Fighting and Bitching Association president.
The wall, which will cut into historic Foggy Bottom and include every townhouse and apartment building where at least one student currently lives, is being protested by community members, who say GW is turning the small area they have left into a “bantustan” surrounded by an “apartheid wall.”
The move comes after University military forces this week attacked and killed Ronsheik Ahmed Croakome, the spiritual leader and president of the FBA, in what it is being called a “targeted killing” of the mastermind of an elderly terrorist organization.
The attack drew emotional protests yesterday from Foggy Bottom residents, many of whom revered Croakome as a symbol of their resistance to GW’s expansion, and vowed to avenge his death after a three-day mourning period.
They were pleased to note, however, that Croakome is now among 72-year-old women, none of whom are virgins.
GW President Sippin Juice IndaTrachentenhood said he personally authorized the attack on “one of the foremost leaders of the Foggy Bottom terrorist murderers,” claiming Croakome was responsible for organizing scores of lawsuits and complaints that threatened the pockets of his administration.
“It’s on, beeyotches!” he declared. “Wahhhh wahhhh. Look at me. I’m Foggy Bottom. My pussy hurts. ”
The attack on Croakome, in which GW fired a missile at him as he was leaving his Foggy Bottom townhouse, came after several failed assassination attempts over the past year. The FBA president had long resisted the construction of GW’s security fence along the West End, which he said was “like a cat marking its territory.”
Unconfirmed reports say that as IndaTrachentenhood gave the final go-ahead for the killing, he exclaimed, “Listen to this cat: ‘Meoooooooow!!!'”
When asked of his plans to expand beyond Dupont Circle, IndaTrachentenhood said, “This has nothing to do with your question, but I remember this story about a mouse, Queen Elizabeth and a Buick … ”
This reporter dozed off and didn’t hear the end of the story. IndaTrachtenhood continued once the reporter woke up.
“Many years ago, a woman I knew died,” he said. “And I don’t remember her face … Wait, that’s the wrong speech … It’s like having a dog with a cancer on its tail. Do you cut the tail off piece by piece as the cancer grows, or do you just go straight up to the tush and whack?”
Suxsohard Association President Kissmy Hardon said he agrees with whatever IndaTrachtenhood says during a phone interview conducted under the GW president’s Pork Fried Rice Hall desk.
“SJT! SJT! You’re my man, if you can’t do it, no one cane!” Hardon exclaimed in a burst of support. “I will do whatever he says as long as he continues to invite me to nice dinners and I can smoke cigars with him. I am in the Order of the Hippo, after all.”
IndaTrachtenhood responded incoherently, “It ain’t my baby.”
The campus community has been virtually shut down as administrators brace for an all-out attack from historical preservation extremists, namely, local dentist Damn Hoozhere, who will replace Croakome as the community’s radical leader.
Hoozhere is widely believed to have orchestrated the September 11 attack on the Ivory Towers, in which two commercial wheelchairs were hijacked and crashed into the building, injuring no one except the suicide rollers.
“By the force of our military, the Bogus Zoning Armament, and the will of our god, the D.C. Inferior Court, 100 percent of students and employees will soon be required to remain on campus in order to breathe,” Hoozhere said with an evil laugh. “Any student or administrator who steps outside campus boundaries will be physically prevented from inhaling air, causing them to die immediately.”
Hoozhere made headlines last year when GW completed the Ivory Towers by building a wall around his townhouse that prevented him from leaving. Officials said the wall was meant to protect the new dorm from tidal waves and did not care if Hoozhere was unable to leave his home.