Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
On college campuses throughout the United States, student organizations have become more and more specialized, catering to the interests of every single social stratum of a university. These groups sometime combine academic studies and entertainment, such as The Boalt – “The O.C.” fan club at Berkeley Law. And sometimes these groups combine religion and food, such as the Shoo-fly Pie Tasters at Eastern Mennonite University.
But leave it to Jew-W – and University President Sippin’ Juice IndaTrachtenhood – to one-up every other university in the country. Many thought Jew-W went too far by taking a live hippo and casting it in bronze for all to see, or by naming the new residence hall the Ivory Tower – enough said – but now it’s taken the recent trend in on-campus social groups and applied it to academics.
To make up for the shockingly anti-Semitic act of poisoning the building’s water with lead, Jew-W is letting the Judaic Studies department do whatever it wants. After an enthusiastic round of dancing the hora Tuesday with fellow professors, department chair Arc Onemorestein announced the new requirements for a major. The University announced Tuesday new requirements for a bachelor’s degree in Judaic Studies.
“This new initiative will allow Jew-W students to embrace their JAPiness and budding metrosexuality,” IndaTrachtenhood said. “Bringing in interested Jews will also boost revenue since those Faculty Senate mofoes dissed my trimester plan.”
The Judaic Studies major will be the only course of study at Jew-W that requires students to take only six classes to graduate. Classes cover a variety of subjects including geology, finance and journalism, providing students with a well-rounded liberal arts education – not that female students will need it if they find suitable husbands to support them.
Onemorestein said the decision to require only six classes was not part of an effort to save students’ parents’ money, but rather part of an initiative to perpetuate stereotypes.
“We got tired of denying the stereotypes that Jews are lazy, so we just decided to give in to it instead. It’s easier this way,” he said. “See? I’m lazier already.”
IndTrachtenhood also had thoughts to share on the subject.
“It reminds me of the time I was a student at Columbia,” he said. “One day I was walking down the street wanting to buy a bowl of soup. I couldn’t find any soup, so I bought myself a dog. I named the dog Mistletoe. He was a great dog, a true friend. I find myself thinking a lot about Mistletoe these days.”
This is the first time the University has constructed a major for a specific demographic on campus, as only Jews can take the updated Judaic Studies courses – not that there are any non-Jews at Jew-W.
“The new major is a great idea,” said sophomore Ali Catte. “It allows me to spend my time shopping, talking on my cell phone, drinking and being hung-over at Hell Well, while still getting an education.”
Catte, who is paying for her tuition through a trust fund, said her grandparents would be pleased.
“I am going to switch my major tomorrow!” said Brittany Spenda, a junior currently majoring in psychology. “This major really represents a new wave in feminism. Like, now I can now take classes … and be just like Charlotte (from HBO’s ‘Sex and the City’)!”
Female students were pleased with the major because it pretty much guarantees a ring on the finger by age 25. But in a gender role reversal, most of the nebish-y men on campus were whiny little bitches about the changes
“It’s bullshit,” freshman Manny Kure complained. “Because the major makes guys choose between pre-med or pre-law, it leaves me no time to nurture my political career.”
Kure, the son of an affluent city councilman from southern New Jersy, is a member of the College Democrats, College Republicans and Libertarian Lovahs.
“How can I learn parli-pro at Stupid Association Senate meetings if I have to study for my Constitutional Law exam?”
The Judaic Studies department has not produced projections for how many students will declare their majors in the coming weeks. There are no prerequisites for the major, which should make it more attractive among lazy Jewish students.
“Oy vey, do we have a lot of Jews on campus,” said one Judaic Studies professor. “We may have to open up extra sections of each class.”
The new courses are even turning skeptics of the Judaic Studies program into believers.
“I dress like a JAP six days a week,” said senior Mid Ouest, “but that doesn’t mean I want to be one. (Pause) Wait a minute, I take that back. Sign me up.”