Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
In a move to restore the competitiveness of the GW softball team, the University hired former Iraqi Olympic chairman Uday Hussein as its new softball head coach yesterday.
After GW’s last coach, Brauntay’ Heman, was fired for beating players over the head with a Bible, University President Sippin’ Juice IndaTrachtenhood made the decision to go after the son of the former Iraqi dictator.
“It was evident to me after these girls came to us whining about their coach that they needed someone tougher and more demanding,” IndaTrachtenhood said. “Personal well being? No wonder they lost 36 games last year.”
Hiring Hussein, who was killed last year in the war in Iraq, was no easy task. GW officials had to fly to the Iraqi desert last week, excavate Hussein’s corpse and carry him back to the GW Hospital in Washington. Once there, IndaTrachtenhood said bringing his new coach back to life was easy.
“Dick Cheney’s been dead for three years, and thanks to our hospital, he’s the vice president. So making Coach Uday ready for action was hardly a challenge,” he said. “Once alive, he decided coaching the softball team was slightly better than remaining in hell, and gladly took the job.”
Heman had also been accused of paddling her players for mistakes and eating the doctors who tried to help them, but Hussein said he will bring a much tougher and more successful regime.
“In the name of Allah, they will win or they will suffer,” he said. “These weak girls thought Heman was tough? I used to torture my Iraqi athletes by hanging them from hooks and electrifying them.”
Although GW still does not have enough players to take the field, Director of Exercise and Abuse Crack McCants said he is confident Hussein’s proven track record of torture will whip them into shape immediately. McCants also said that by eliminating team trainers entirely and by exerting even less oversight than before, Hussein will have more freedom than Heman did to make the Colonials into winners.
“I think a large part of the problem was that these girls thought they could come to us when things really got bad,” he said. “Now, with no trainers and doctors, this whole baloney about their personal health will be a non-issue.”
Players said they felt as though the administration’s doors were closed to them before, but McCants said he will now actually lock them shut.
“You want to come into Crack Daddy’s office, sweetheart? Bring me an A-10 Championship,” he said. “Otherwise, I’ve got bigger cigars to chew.”
Starting tomorrow, Hussein said the Colonials will begin practicing for next season, as their current season has already been canceled. Practices will consist of doing wind sprints while Hussein shoots them with his rifle. Any player who stops running after being shot will be shot repeatedly until they get back up or become bloodied beyond all recognition.
“Bullets are like opposing players,” Hussein said. “They are going to knock you down sometimes, but it’s how you get back up again that counts.”
Parents of the players, who had been considering multi-million dollar lawsuits against GW for Heman’s abuses, will now be silenced. Hussein said any parents who complain or speak to him at all will have their tongues promptly cut out and used for batting practice.
And it is that kind of consensus that IndaTrachtenhood said he looks forward to.
“Beat them, shoot them, I don’t care,” he said. “Enough is enough. I’ve got to be at The Palm in five minutes. Now go win some games and bring in those shekels.”
