Spoof Issue: GW fans suck

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Are you a GW fan? Do you chant “Richmond sucks”? If so, you are responsible for the countless deaths of men, women, little children, puppies and Princess Di.

Your chants at GW basketball games negatively influence the team. And when the GW basketball team does poorly, several chains of events are set in motion.

1. The team loses and the students get depressed. And when the rich girls of GW get depressed, they can’t summon enough energy to put on their ‘Juicy’ suits and go buy their usual supply of cocaine.

As we all know from those commercials, drugs support terrorists. So when the terrorists stop getting their cocaine money, they get pissed. And when they get pissed, they blame America and its allies. One day GW fans are chanting Richmond sucks. The next day innocent people are being killed all over the world. And it’s all your fault.

2. The team loses and the GW administrators get upset. So they get lazy on applications and start accepting people by selecting names out of their yarmulkes. Then Johnny Long Island doesn’t get into school and his parents cancel their weekend trip to England.

Now the limo driver who was supposed to drive around Johnny Long Island’s family has no job for the weekend, and he starts drinking. But then he gets a call at the last second to drive Princess Di, so he goes, and I think we all know what happens after that.

And it was all because GW fans used negative chants.

3. The team loses and Karl Hobbs gets upset. Now, we’ve all seen his temper on the sidelines, and that’s in public. So I think it’s only logical to assume that in private, he kills puppies.

4. The team loses and one of the little kids – let’s call him Junior – who attended the game gets upset. So when he gets home, and his mom tells him to do his homework, Junior repeats what he heard at the game and starts chanting “Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.” Mom gets upset, but just yells at him.

Later that night, after being told to brush his teeth, Junior continues chanting “Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.” Considering this is the 29th “bullshit” chant of the night, Mom finally loses her cool and makes Junior put a bar of soap in his mouth for an hour.

Unfortunately, Junior swallows a little soap, has an allergic reaction and dies. That’s right, you killed Junior. All because you had to chant “bullshit” after every call.

5. The team loses and the guys who yelled “Richmond sucks” during the national anthem actually feel remorse. So they join the Peace Corps to atone for their unfathomable behavior.

The gentlemen are then flown to Sudan, where they are supposed to distribute food to starving women and children. But because they’re big dumb idiots, they eat everything themselves.

From lack of food, 81 Sudanese people, 31 of them under the age of 10, starve to death. On the plane ride home, the guys start a “Sudan sucks” chant.

6. Finally, the team loses and some idiot writes a column blaming GW fans. A few readers take the column way too personally, develop a deep hatred for the columnist, write angry letters to the newspaper and eventually decide on one drunken night to do something about it.

Unfortunately for them, they had no way of knowing that the short, skinny columnist is quick on his feet and has fists of fury, and he fights like a much smaller, much whiter, Jewish version of Muhammad Ali.

He disposes of them all quickly and is mobbed by good-looking girls at GW – both of them.

And to think, all this death in the world can be put squarely on the shoulders of GW fans. You shameless bastards.

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