Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Undersized Penis officers detained Big George and Little George after stumbling upon a sexual tryst between the two mascots in a Marvin Center bathroom Tuesday night.

UPD Chief Brontosaurus Mullethead said the two mascots had been engaging in “freaky” sexual behavior in Jew-W bathrooms since meeting up at a basketball game two years ago.

At 9 p.m. Tuesday night, a bald UPD storm trooper in a yellow shirt found Big George mounting his smaller, supple companion with his 14-inch schlong. Big George was heard screaming, “Who’s your first president, bitch?” as he held a musket to Little George’s head.

Officers arrested Big George but did not have to detain Little George because he was already wearing handcuffs and had a piece of masking tape around his mouth, Mullethead said.

“Apparently they like it rough,” Mullethead said. “We had to take Little George to the hospital for severe rectal bleeding – he seemed to be enjoying it, though, because our officer reported that he was smiling the whole time.”

UPD also nabbed a voyeur, later identified as Jew-W’s other mascot – the Hippo – for watching Big George and Little George have sex while he jumped around and made a complete ass out of himself.

A dejected Hippo mascot, led away from the bathroom in cuffs and ankle chains, said he was upset that the Georges didn’t let him make the tryst a menage a trois.

“I guess I was too much hippo for them,” he said.

Mullethead said Big George and Little George will be charged with public indecency and could go to prison for several years.

“They’d probably enjoy that, though,” she remarked. “Little George can be some guy’s bitch, and Big George can pimp hoes like his name is Dolemite.”

In a jailhouse interview, Big George defended his actions, saying he “was just masturbating – playing with my Little George. That kid’s got a butt that won’t quit.”

While most administrators said they were shocked to hear about the arrests, Jew-W President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood said he encouraged the two mascots to have sex, and that he just wanted Big George “to get some ass.”

“I introduced the two,” said IndaTrachtenhood in a lengthy discussion that also touched on his time at Columbia and Yale and his relationship with the Tunisian ambassador.

“You see, when George Washington was alive, he didn’t get much pussy. Sure, he had Martha, but she gave lousy head,” he said.

The University will be looking for replacement mascots, IndaTrachtenhood said.

“I suggested getting a serial rapist,” he said. “You know, to signify what we do to students every time we increase tuition.”