Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Genesis 3:16 says Eve was commissioned out of Adam’s rib and therefore all women must suck dick at least four times a day or they are worthless wenches. If you don’t suck dick four times a day God will make you will bleed five days a month. God also mandates that you must go down first or you will be relegated to be second class to all men.

Now that it is the 21st century and you women are all upset abut getting 73 cents on the dollar, maybe it’s because you aren’t willing to guzzle some semen. This is your chance to earn the 27 cents you feel that you deserve, which you don’t. Women bitch about being under appreciated in the work place, but that is because the men who are smarter and will clearly be the best are bitter because they had to eat your nasty swampy twat before getting their rocks off in college.

This is a simple issue: would you rather suck on a pole, or eat out of a hole? Trough munching is about as appealing as eating a rotten fish. Now think about being buried to the ears in warm dead fish. With a cock in the mouth it’s very simple – you suck a little, and the best part is that you can’t talk because your mouth is full.

All girls are worried about putting on weight, and the last thing you want to do is have a lot of protein from my warm white soldiers right before going to bed. The last injection to the back of the throat is much better if it has time to be digested by riding the dude on top. Sometimes you can’t go down on a girl because she is being punished by God for being an evil bitch and bleeding, so she won’t give you head. So you can either try and make strawberry short cake, or fuck her in the butt and make tootsie rolls. Either way, this dessert does not sound good.

Once a girl is done getting off, we all know all she wants to do is cuddle; they don’t want to go down on you, they don’t want to have sex, all they want to do is hold you, and make it so you can’t sleep well. I don’t get what the big deal is – we all know that girls love to swallow the penis, so quit bitching and being difficult and enjoy it.

When you finally build up to sucking dick, it is important to remember to inhale the balls and deep throat the cock all the way down the tilt. When you finally get him off, it’s best to gag at least three times as you take all the cum in, especially when a little shoots out your nose. Some girls complain about having to swallow all the guy’s love juice. A better alternative would simply be to allow the guy to bust his fat load all over your face. There is nothing better than seeing a girl come back up who can’t open her eye, because of all the semen built up in it, and then when she smiles she has at least three pubes stuck in her teeth.

In the end, taking a snowball to the face is the only way to get the night started. If you wait for the dude to eat sushi then you will be lucky if you ever get any. God wants you to suck dick, otherwise he wouldn’t have made it so you wouldn’t shut up unless there was a hunk of meat in your mouth.

-The writer, a virgin until he got to college, has had sex with more people than Wilt Chamberlain.