Spoof Issue: Forum: Don’t be a wussy, eat my pussy

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Life’s not fair. Well, it’s not fair for women. We get our periods, putting us sexually out of commission once a month. We have to shave – guys can shut up about their chins until they’ve shaved a bikini line. But that all pales in comparison to the “Oh factor.” Life couldn’t possibly be fair in a world in which men orgasm during every sexual encounter, and women only get off if Mercury is lined up properly with Venus. So, in all fairness, girls should get more head than guys – maybe then orgasms will be more evenly distributed.

In the guy’s ideal situation, the girl goes down on him first, and then the night is over; there is no returned favor, just 30 seconds of pillow talk and then dozing until the pissed chick kicks you off her futon. But on this side of the forum, the guy’s ideal doesn’t exist. The “You were so great, I’m too tired to go down on you” excuse doesn’t work here, so get ready to go first.

Now, I’m tired of faking it, so here’s a tutorial. First of all, work your way down there. Don’t just take a girl’s bra off and then ignore her breasts. Consider your tongue action there a kind of audition for the main show. If you do impressive work up top, you may be privileged enough to at least try down below. And that’s step two: recognize that getting into a girl’s pants is a privilege, which means you should come fully prepared. Read Cosmo, read an anatomy book, read a dime-store romance novel – I don’t care how you study, but if you don’t come with a mental map of the area, the chick won’t cum at all. The G spot is elusive, I’ll give you that, but the clitoris is right there! If you’re really smart, you’ll figure out how to fondle the clit and the G spot at the same time. Ooh baby.

To make a girl’s toes curl, you have to keep her on her toes. Switch things up. Use your fingers, but don’t just thrust in and out – save that for your less agile penis – give us some figure eights (inside and out), whatever, just be creative. But also be patient. Women were not blessed with the guaranteed orgasm. Even if a girl isn’t giving the greatest head, guys will get off. But if a guy is giving a girl great head, she may still be lying there moaning false encouragement for hours with no result.

And here’s the kicker: we have to work for it! Guys, I challenge you to remember the last time you got head with any effort on your part. Not so for us ladies. Instead, we’re busy lifting our hips for a better angle, subtly moving our hands lower to help you out and clenching in a desperate effort to get off.

And that is precisely why guys should go down first in the oral sex exchange. Just writing about getting head has exhausted me; to consider giving it in return after this whole process is absurd. When guys get good enough to bring a girl to climax, they’ll start getting head more often. Hell, in that case, girls may even venture to go first. In the mean time, practice, practice, practice. I once heard a suggestion involving a light switch, which should certainly limber up your tongue.

My advice to the fellas going first is to stay down there as long as necessary – you might as well, because you’re not taking a turn unless we get off.

-The writer, a girl who can’t have sex because her spleen might explode, would still lay The Full Nelson.

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