Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Students will be able to eat kosher-for-Passover food year-round and dine on cotton candy once again, part of Smokingcrackamark’s plan to improve campus dining options.

The Matzo-Way and Creamed Peachery will join J Street next month, and Jew-W will add a revamped Fanny Fare II to the new Ivory Towers residence hall in the fall.

“It just made the dining services team so happy to see students walking around campus with cotton candy, hot pretzels and popcorn,” said Kam D-Bag, district manager of Smokingcrackamark.

Despite the dismal sales returns of Fanny Fare I in the basement of the Marvin Center last fall, officials said they have confidence in the second wave of stadium/circus-type food on campus.

“The new residence hall is only a block from the Smith Center, which obviously helps promote a general atmosphere of sports and sporting foods,” said Ima Cluelessfucka, a member of the dining services team. “And this atmosphere might translate into more money for us.”

Fanny Fare II will boast the same staples as its predecessors – popcorn, pretzels and boxed candy – as well as a small selection of kosher options, including macaroon funnel cakes and Matzo meal-covered caramel apples. Chocolate-covered cherries, fortune cookies and flavored ice cubes will also be offered, since they “might” be offered at a stadium or circus, D-bag said.

J Street’s new options – the Creamed Peachery and Matzo-Way – are also expected to be a “big hit” with students, D-bag said.

“All 14 students we surveyed showed great enthusiasm toward the Creamed Peachery, and we are very, very confident that the students will respond positively to the upcoming healthy selection of fuzzy fruit,” D-bag said.

Most prepared dishes will be a take-off of current J Street favorites, with a “canned peach twist,” D-bag explained.

The menu will feature food items such as the diced peach Caesar pleaser wrap from Pan Geo’s and the mashed bean and peach burrito from Taco Bella.

The new Matzo-Way merges the overwhelming popularity of Crepe-a-Way with the upcoming hype over Passover.

Taking over the crepe venue before the approaching Pesach season – commemorating Moses’ successful invention of a cheap, salty cracker – Matzo-Way will offer a wide-ranging selection of Matzo-based dishes, including the perennial favorite: the Matzo-with-cream-cheese sandwich.

“We’ve always noticed how popular Matzo was around April, and we finally took the initiative to capitalize on this market,” D-Bag said. “(The Jewish Tribe’s) got deep pockets, so who wouldn’t spend a good $6.79 for a few pieces of cracker, year-round?”

When asked about a possible decline in sales after the end of Passover, D-Bag shrugged his shoulders and asked, “What holiday?”

Students said the new venues are “completely ridiculous” and “off the wall.”

“Only a real d-bag like D-bag would walk around campus eating cotton candy or munching out of a popcorn cone,” sophomore I.M. Kool said. “We hated Fanny Fare I. Why the hell would we want a Fanny Fare II?”

“A Creamed Peachery? Where does Smokingcrackamark think Jew-W is? Georgia?” junior Inda North said.

Smokingcrackamark will continue surveying students for the remainder of the semester. D-Bag said the campus may see exciting venues such as a lettuce station – with 12 different types of lettuce for the health nuts out there – a chocolate-covered meat station and a cheese-covered corn-on-the-cob venue as early as 2005.