Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Drug Law Violation

3/29 – Columbia Plaza – 2 a.m.

Metrosexual Police officers arrested Smoking Joints Secretly Director Hungrylikethe Wolf for smoking students’ weed in her apartment. They also confiscated 10 bags of Funyuns and a bong fashioned from a Jew-W coffee mug. Officers determined that Wolf got the ganja from students after kicking them out of residence halls for smoking the drug. She said her arrest would not compromise her ability to prosecute students, saying, “SJS is full of self-serving hypocrites who engage in illegal behavior.” Asked how her case would be handled by SJS, Wolf declined to comment.

3/30 – J Street
1:37 p.m.

MPD officers arrested nine Smokingcrackamark employees Tuesday night for possession of crack-cocaine. MPD arrested all three Chick-fil-A employees, and two each from Burger King, Subway and the Home Zone. Student sentiment was highly negative, as multiple patrons said service was even slower than usual after the arrests.

Indecent Exposure

3/27 – Ivory Tower
2:34 p.m.

Undersized Penis officers discovered Jew-W President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood jizzing on the campus’ newest residence hall. IndaTrachtenhood said he was trying to see if “the Ivory Tower were really ivory.” He also said he has nutted on every on-campus building and that “I was just marking my territory.”

3/24 – Public Space

A naked male student wearing an olive-colored cowboy hat was seen being really shady and walking through campus. The dejected student looked like he had lost something like the Stupid Association election.

Prostitution

3/31 – Marvin Center

SA Executive Vice Prostitute-elect On-ya Knees Dumpster was seen whoring herself outside a student group election in an attempt to gain votes. Dumpster said she was prepared to “give 100 percent of (herself) to her constituents,” even if that meant hooking. When asked if candidates could sell themselves for votes, Jerky Empty Committee Chair Lotza Plaque said giving out sex was “just like giving out candy, hats or T-shirts in front of the Marvin Center.”

Discrimination

3/28 – Jew-W Hospital

Jew-W Hospital officials were charged with racism after turning away 10 black elderly patients with heart attacks to treat a student who was vomiting all over himself.

Referred to the Washington Times

Disorderly Conduct

3/30 – Mount Vernon Campus

UPD officers arrested a softball coach for spanking her players while imploring them to read the Book of Revelation.