Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
Former GW men’s basketball convict Atillis Crosby took time out from his job at the D.C. battered women’s shelter yesterday to rally for rapists’ rights in front of the White House, protesting for what he called “a basketball player’s right to pound any bitch he wants with whatever he wants.”
The former basketball star, who was released from prison in January, said he is fighting for his God-given right to sexually assault women, which he believes was violated three years ago.
“People show lovin’ in different ways,” Crosby said. “Just because I do it with some crack and a broomstick, am I not one of God’s children? I was just giving that ho a tour of Guthridge Hall, Attillis style.”
Crosby, who says he is off the crack but still using the broomstick, further invoked religion in his arguments.
“God put me on this earth for one reason – to have my way with lots of bitches,” he said. “Bitches ain’t never done anything for me. I’m here to do what every guy want to do. To disrespect me some bitches. I’m a basketball player, dammit. That’s my job.”
Many other rapists joined Crosby in support, and the group received a letter of encouragement from Michael Jackson. But the thugs were greatly outnumbered by scores of furious counter-protesters.
“Apparently this animal thinks he can just come up to me and shove a broomstick in my cooter,” Julie Feminazi said. “Broomsticks don’t tickle! I thought they might, but trust me, they don’t.”
After a few minutes, Crosby took out his Brontosaurus-sized ding dong and flopped it around toward an adjacent group of females.
“You see this thing?” he said, pointing his Johnson at them. “‘Cause if you don’t, you’ll see it later on tonight.”
“You see this thing?” he continued, holding up the broom. “Cause you won’t, but you’ll sure as hell feel it.”
In an unexpected twist, several GW girls, blinded by the fact that Crosby is a basketball player, wrestled each other for the chance to house his broom. The winner said she couldn’t wait to tell her friends she got with an athlete, as she was wheeled off to GW Hospital to have splinters removed from her colon.
Crosby also said he plans on using pens, markers, hot dogs, foot-long hot dogs (known as “Pops dogs” for reasons unknown to anyone outside of a Delt bathroom), a putter, a 10-foot party sub and two live turkeys – but not all at the same time.
When these options were made public, another horde of GW girls started fighting for the right to be sodomized by an athlete. They all lost, though. The winner: Derek Jeter, who said he could take the putter and the turkeys at the same time. ‘