Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.
The University will institute a round-the-clock schedule starting next year, allowing Jew-W to fully utilize all campus facilities.
Half the student body will take classes from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., while the other half will learn from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. Students, all of whom must reside on campus, will then sleep in their residence halls for the other half of the day.
“Society has deemed darkness to mean sleep, but who says we have to follow what society tells us?” said University President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood. “Jew-W is a groundbreaking institution. We’ll be the first institution in the nation to have a 24-hour schedule.”
The same number of “day” and “night” students will reside in one room, allowing Jew-W to fit twice as many students into residence halls. For example, a quad will host four sleeping students during the day and a different set of students during the night.
The new schedule will also allow Jew-W to appease the Bigbad Zoning Assholes, which mandates that 70 percent of students, including all freshmeat and sophomores, live on campus or outside Foggy Bottom by fall 2006.
“You see, if you require 100 percent of students to live on campus and there are double that many residing in the same room, there are really 200 percent of students living on campus,” said University Senior Bullshitter Chuck Barbarino with a sly grin. “There’s no outsmarting us.”
Since twice as many students will be enrolling at Jew-W, housing and tuition revenue will double.
Officials said they plan to build more “mixed-purpose” buildings, giant lobbies, shimmery columns and Subways with the extra funding. They were considering constructing a building with one giant lobby and many gold columns on the old hospital site, to outdo the Great Hall and the Elliott School lobby.
“This time we’ll make the column a bright blue color, to go along with buff one already in Really Really Great Hall,” IndaTrachtenhood said. “It would be a perfect example of the pride all students should have in Jew-W, even if we aren’t in the Top 50.”
Jew-W’s 24-hour schedule was met by anger and rage from the Protesting Stupid Unnecessarythings group and the Faculty Bitches. Four PSU members rallied outside Fried Rice Hall, throwing GWopoly pieces and Chick-fil-A nuggets at top administrators’ windows as soon as they heard the news.
“Hell, no! We won’t go!” said protesters, who were joined by blow-up rodents and felines. “Six-to-six class sucks! We need sleep!”
When asked why only four students showed up at the rally, PSU members said, “Strength doesn’t come in numbers, but rather in quality of ideas.”
PSU member Always Reallyannoying started rambling on about freedom and the right to a normal sleep schedule before being carried off in handcuffs by the Metrosexual Police Department. While MPD was arresting students, four murders and 17 car thefts occurred in the District.
“Student protesters are just as dangerous as murderers,” said an MPD officer while confiscating a half dozen signs from the PSU.
The Faculty Bitches held an emergency meeting in the Marvin Center as soon as members heard about the new schedule. Senate Couch Literally Reallypissed confronted IndaTrachtenhood as soon as he walked in the door of the meeting.
“How do you expect us to teach in this condition? How are we expected to focus on a class at 4 a.m.?” Reallypissed said.
IndaTrachtenhood walked right past Reallypissed to get a cup of coffee, adjusting his bowtie on the way.
“President IndaTrachtenhood, did you hear me?” Reallypissed said. “How can I teach in the middle of the night?”
“Do monkeys eat bananas? Does Provo II sell 25 different types of cheeses? Does beer get you drunk?” IndaTrachtenhood responded.
“But President IndaTrachtenhood …”
“Is Nelly hot in herrrre? Do rats live in The Schenley? Does the sun shine? Are trees made of wood?”
Students will get more information concerning the upcoming changes in the next few weeks. Roommate selection will take place in mid-April, but students should expect the lottery date to be pushed back at least five times because of technical glitches and Housing Services employees’ inability to grasp complicated issues. J