The Morning After: Post-spring break survival

Chick: Spring break is probably a little hazy, and I’m sure there are hours or maybe whole nights that cannot be accounted for, but luckily you have pictures to help piece everything together. Hopefully now, after a week of reflection, you may have reached a few conclusions.

The guy or girl (or maybe both) you hooked up with looked a lot better and cleaner after three rounds of shots. Entering that wet T-shirt contest probably seemed like a good idea at the time, too. But guess what? It wasn’t, because now you’re left wondering why there is a burning sensation when you pee or whether that itching is a yeast infection or something to worry about. And that morning nausea? Let’s hope you’re still hung over.

Now is probably a good time to take care of yourself, because you severely abused your body for a solid week. Appointments at Student Health are filling up fast, but it might be in your best interest to get checked out – especially if you still don’t know why you woke up in a bed in your underwear with three of your friends – or friends you just made the night before.

But if you’re not worried about picking out a name for your unborn child or treating your crabs, you still may have subjected yourself to less serious calamities such as coming home with a hickey. Turtleneck season unfortunately just ended, so you may as well flaunt it. Pick out a picture of the hottest person you encountered over break, and just tell everyone he or she gave it to you. They’ll be envious and extremely proud of your fine catch. Even if you didn’t talk to the person, no worries. Your friends won’t know the difference. And coming home with a blemish on your neck or chest is a lot more acceptable than returning with permanent warts below the belt.

Dick: So you cheated on your girlfriend. She asks you about the weird rash on your schlong, and you attribute it to wearing a swimsuit. Surprisingly, she actually believes you. Now you feel guilty and also wonder why you can’t hook up with numerous people. The answer is, you can. Why not bring spring break back to GW? But first go get tested, because the last thing GW needs is some crazy penis bird flu floating around campus.

The anonymous multiple partners who make spring break great can also make weekends back at school. There is no reason for girls to come back deciding that putting out is taboo – an act strictly regulated to a dirty Mexican city.

The only good thing about the weeks after spring break is more seasonal weather, which means skirts are back. The skirt is one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to men. The only thing better is girls in bikinis – on Kogan.

Alcohol helps, with happy hours making spring that much warmer. A spring goal should be to get drunk, wear less clothing and screw like you are in Cancun. Just tell your boyfriend that spring break was the greatest week of your life and that you should keep living it, right through the summer.

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