Chick: Hand jobs bring to mind memories of junior high when you’d go to the movies with your boyfriend, isolate yourselves in the back row and jerk him off underneath your jacket.

On the whole, hand jobs are not very intimate because when a girl does it, it’s only because she’s not comfortable enough to put it in her mouth. Which isn’t that bad because you’re not going to wind up with a herpes outbreak on your thumb and forefinger.

A lot of girls are also less confident with their manual skills because not all guys prefer the same stroke. Some guys like an up-and-down motion, some like it with an added twist of the wrist (think of the way your wrist moves when opening a jar), and others want some cupping action. A close friend told me he’s never been able to get off from a hand job, but maybe that’s his ploy to get a girl to go down on him. He also claims there’s no such thing as bad head – just really, really good head.

However, hand jobs can supplement blow jobs. Giving head can be rough: spit starts building up, your jaw gets stiff, and your lips and tongue get tired. Instead, position yourself behind him like he’s sitting on your lap, reach around to undo his pants, and start jerking him off. Then turn him around and finish off with a blow job. It’ll reduce mouth-to-penis contact time.

But there is one instance when a hand job deserves a hand, and that’s in the shower. You’ve got accessible lubricants, he can’t stain your clothes, and everything conveniently washes down the drain. But for the most part, skip over third base. What’s the point of doing something he can probably do better himself?

Dick: I like hand jobs. They are great. In fact, I tend to get one nearly every time I shower, and to be honest, I give a great one. As far as girls go, though, I have yet to receive one that measures up to mine. A little tease with the hand, a caress of the balls, even a stroke or two is OK, but all to assist in the interest of rising to the occasion.

Here’s a best-case scenario hand job: It starts slow and feels nice – she may even use lotion – then it speeds up a little. Now your skin, and may I add delicate skin, starts to warm up. But next thing you know there is strain on the skin. Strain is not good. However, this is all assuming she is not a typical GW girl with lots of rings on her fingers. Your mind wanders to how unnecessary this is, it’s now been 20 minutes, and you wonder if she does free weights or sticks to the machines at the gym, because it’s getting impressive.

Finally, and this is only on rare occasions, you reach climax, which hurts because your balls are overtaxed and your mind aches from picturing every girl you have ever seen naked. Now there is a mess – it could be on the bed, your stomach, her clothing or, since this is best case scenario, her face. Either way, it’s a mess.

The other problem with hand jobs is what are you doing while this is going on. Is she looking at you, which is creepy, or is she concentrating on the task at hand? At least while you are getting head you don’t have to look at her, or at least not her face. So to the women of GW, stop acting like you are a fifth-grade girl giving hand jobs – pony up, put your mouth on it, and in the interest of not doing laundry, swallow.