The Morning After

To our readers: Battle of the Sexes has been discontinued, and in its place, Style will publish “The Morning After” Each week The Hatchet’s own sex-perts (a new chick and the same old dick) will offer their opinion on sex, relationships and love at GW.

Chick: Of course some people just don’t do relationships. I happen to be one of them. On the other hand, I know people who don’t even know what to do with themselves if they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to cuddle with. But this is sickening to those of us who just don’t do relationships, and that’s because some people need their three-foot box of personal space, and a significant other encroaches too closely upon it.

These single swingers are the people who will hook up with someone, then roll over in their bed to fall asleep (the signal for the other person to go home). People who don’t do relationships also tend to have an insatiable curiosity – as in, this guy I could hook up with tonight isn’t bad, but will there be someone better at the party? Some may call it a “wandering eye.” But I like to call it “keeping my options open.” It makes you wonder, is a bird in hand really better than two in the bush? (Pun most definitely intended.)

But most importantly, those who don’t do relationships are people who want the ass – minus the commitment. However, ass without commitment doesn’t mean be a skanky hoe or a walking STD. The solution is a friend with benefits. This way, you can get consistent, guilt-free booty and not have to worry if you remembered your 34-days-and-two-hour anniversary. Friends you hook up with regularly also make for better sex than a random guy or girl at the bar. They know what pleases you and turns you on, and you’re also more comfortable with them. It’s like a relationship, but if you want to make out with that random guy/girl at the bar, it’s not cheating!

Dick:As I see it, there are a few options as to how a person defines the word “relationship.” The first type of person is someone who always has a significant other, and they’re about as exciting as a vibrator with no batteries – OK to look at but not that useful. The ability to just hang out with someone in a long-term relationship is similar to sex with a doll that isn’t inflated.

The next type of person, usually female, is always shopping for someone. She won’t go home with you without a date and the promise of you at least considering letting her put a shock collar around your balls. This is the type who, after you hook up a few times and then blow her off, will hate you. She is overly sensitive and easily hurt, yet confident that the perfect person is just around the corner. Even so, when you turn out not to be “the one,” she’ll be more crushed than a midget in a mosh pit.

Then there is the senior who is just looking for some booty – nothing more serious than a follow-up phone call and a trip to student health. Along with that guy is the one who will do whatever falls into his lap. Sometimes that means casual sex, sometimes it’s a relationship. These people take what they can, but with some consideration. So the end result is always sex – it’s just a matter of how many partners.

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