Let’s just face it. To a lot of students, the Student Association elections simply do not matter. Why is this? Well, as a former candidate for president, it is pretty obvious to me that the whole election process has just gotten so boring and contrived. I mean, it is just so “last season.” As far as I am concerned, the whole thing needs to be spiced up a bit. No more talk about 4-RIDE and SA internal reform and asfkhjgoshgsodnvasojsfp. Whoops! Sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. See, the SA election is getting dull. I can hardly write about it without snorting a couple of lines of coke to keep me awake.

So this year, for the sake of the superficial voter – and really, aren’t we all at this point. I have created a new criteria for electing an SA president. It is based on a very intense questionnaire that gets to the heart of what matters to the students at GW. Four of the SA presidential candidates responded to my 24-hour call for answers to these important questions. As far as I am concerned, the other six candidates running are just too humdrum to consider.

The four candidates included the sex symbol for the Republican party and everyone’s secret crush, SA Sen. Lee Roupas, some kid whom I have never heard of; Justin Luther, my next-door neighbor from sophomore year; Joe Venti; and the very calm and collected former SA Sen. Omar Woodard. The questions and their answers are listed below, with my comments in parentheses.

1. What’s your favorite drink?

Roupas: Red Bull & Vodka (So straight, blah.); Luther: Coke (OK, but does it come with rum?); Venti: Grey goose, straight, with a lime; Woodard: Iced tea. (Long Island, I hope.)

2. What is your favorite romantic comedy?

Roupas: “The American President” (Cute.); Luther: “Mallrats” or “The Big Lebowski” (Uh, how romantic?); Venti: “True Romance” (Never heard of it.); Woodard: “Serendipity”

3. Where do you shop for your haute couture?

Roupas: Victoria Secret, because nothing says I love you like a silk thong! (Stop giving away our secrets!); Luther: I don’t know what haute couture is (Oh my!); Venti: H&M (You and every gay man.); Woodard: What is that? (So sad.)

4. Name your favorite Shirley Maclaine movie and explain why.

Roupas: “Terms of Endearment.” It touches my heart every time I watch it. Call me a softy; Luther: I don’t know that actress, so I will substitute with Barbara Streisand … (No you will not, but good try.); Venti: “Being There” (But why?); Woodard: “Steel Magnolias” (My favorite too, so no explanation needed.).

5. Where do you get your hair done?

Roupas: Puglisi’s (Do you go for the Playboys?); Luther: Watergate Barbershop; Venti: Pro Euro (I love the Turks, too.); Woodard: Hair Studio on Florida Avenue

6. What’s your astrological sign?

Roupas: Capricorn; Luther: Taurus. You are dumb for caring (Feisty fella, huh?); Venti: Scorpio; Woodard: Sagittarius

7. Choose: Britney or Christina?

Roupas: Britney. There’s nothing like a wedding in Vegas. I’d love to try it sometime (OK, we’ll work on that.); Luther: They are both crazy and getting fat. I like The Darkness (You’re scaring me.); Venti: Christina; Woodard: Christina! She is a better singer, and more attractive to me (She is beautiful. Words can’t bring her down.)

8. Is Michael Jackson guilty?

Roupas: Absolutely not.; Luther: No, he is just crazy and misunderstood. And guilty (So which is it?); Venti: Definitely guilty; Woodard: No, he isn’t guilty. A bit disturbed, but not guilty

9. Do you hope to see more “wardrobe malfunctions” on TV in the future?

Roupas: The more malfunctions the better; Luther: Sometimes I spill stuff on my pants. I usually don’t tape it, though; Venti: The closer we get to porn on TV, the better; Woodard: I look forward to more of it, as long as it isn’t someone like Dick Cheney (Amen, sister.)

10. Do you think Carrie is going to get back together with Mr. Big or stay with the Russian in Paris?

Roupas: I am inclined to think that the Russian has the upper hand in this one; Luther: See Questions 3 and 4; Venti: She meets up with Big, but they don’t get together. Carrie is the embodiment of being single; Woodard: Carrie has to go back to Big.

So, my people, as you can see, the choice is quite simple this election season. You can either vote for the cute and endearing ‘blonde’ conservative Roupas, the uber-straight and unstable Luther, the sensitive and loopy Venti or the steady and yawn-producing Woodard. Enjoy.

-The writer, a senior majoring in human services, is a Hatchet columnist.